now.

i've been feeling a little down the past week. a number of events have caused me to get stuck a bit on the past and be anxious about the future. not my typical pattern of worry and worry, really isn't one of my typical patterns. whatever. i needed a sit down with one of my girls and while i was trying to reason with myself and talk myself back into reality...she said, "you've got to live in the now." i shut up and just let it sink in. i know this, but somehow, it TOTALLY slipped my mind. i got so wrapped up in expectations and emotions that i just plain old forgot to be concerned with right NOW. and to be so completely honest, right now is great. i have come so far, pulled through so much, and i am really happy right now. i have wonderful friends, a great job, i love where i live. i am healthy, financially stable, and in love with life. i am driven and inspired everyday to be better. i am witnessing an incredible time in history. now is good. now is all i have. the past is gone. tomorrow isn't here and i can't make it happen. now is exactly what i need. and that makes me happy. thanks kimberley.

Hmmm. I am sitting down to write, because I insist. Insist to write what- I do not know. I would like to write something powerfully inspirational...something beautifully stimulating and something that makes the reader dig deeper within. I really would. I would also like to write something brutally honest. Something that is inside me that would be so raw and shocking that it would be clear that I believed in unadulterated truth and authenticity. I really would.

I would also like to save the world. I would like to remind people that there is life outside of their struggles and a power within to survive. I would like to put food in the bellies of all of the babies out there who ate raw ramen noodles and maybe nothing else today. I would like to comb a little girl's hair simply because no one else will. I would like to love the little boy who can't sit still at school because he's hungry and tired and doesn't know what concentration looks like. I would like to remind someone today that they can be anyone and do anything that they want to do. I would like to be there when that one person thought no one could be there. I really would.

I'd like to end poverty. I'd like to feed starvation away. I'd like to clothe and home homelessness. I'd like to heal the hurting. I'd like to end the fight against abuse. I'd like to end the cycle that causes so many to feel they cannot. I'd like to...I really would...but I cannot. I cannot do any one of these things tonight. All I can do is sit here and tap on my laptop, in my overpriced apartment, on my velvet couch. All I can do is listen to my dish washer and MSNBC in the background, while deciding which new dress I will wear to work tomorrow.

I know I've mentioned the seasons a few times, but really...I had no idea how much I missed them over the years. Autumn is here and I am reminded why I have claimed this as my favorite season for so long. I'm not sure if it is the crispness in the air, the crunchy leaves that make the walk so much less lonely, or the gorgeous colors that crown the trees. I'm tempted to believe that it is my insistence on finding something deeper in everything I see. I think that it is because fall reminds me of the necessity of death. By death, I don't mean the end of life but the end of seasons...the closing of chapters. I don't care where you are or what you are going through, good or bad, the time always comes when you must close the door and open another.

I suppose you refer to this idea when thinking about any season; however, the idea of the beauty that comes before death in this season is what gets me so excited. I'd like to think that the process in closing a door allows for incredible beauty. I wonder tonight, what door it is that I need to close. I have been reflecting on this for weeks now. Wondering what the underlying cause is to some of my inclinations for things that are not for my best. I wonder if this fall will be my time for change. I wonder if this season will signify the death of bad habits or tendencies that do not allow me to grow to my fullest potential or embrace true contentment. I wonder if my acceptance and willingness to discover more about myself will allow for beauty to "become me". I wonder what will come of this closing of a door or this changing of seasons. Whatever it is, I know that when winter is allowed to settle on the bare trees, there is beauty to follow...fruit and new life. I am ready to grow...I am ready to produce new fruit in my life.

Change is a thrill to me. Perhaps, the leaves taking on a new look and the air drawing in a crispness is my reminder to allow for change...always. It is necessary to grow. Just remind me when it is cold...

you've gotta love some whitney houston...

this picture brought back some memories that i just have to share. if i had to describe myself to someone, i would possibly say that i am sensitive, but not one who wears my feelings on my sleeve. i would say that i am expressive, but not dramatic. i hope this story doesn't give you the wrong impression.

several years back, when my parents were getting ready to move to california, i was going through some things that were in the "keep or trash" boxes that needed to be widdled down. i came across a cassette tape that, for whatever reason, i decided to pop into the stereo. i could hear the static of a self-made recording. as i listened more closely, i recognized the sound of sniffles and sobs. then the music began...

you see, my first "boyfriend"...vaughn ricker... dumped me when i was not even 12. i know...tragic. i'm going to refer to this as my only "dumping". yes, it's true and maybe this incident is the reason why i've never since been dumped. (no, i'm not "the dumper" either...i like to call myself "the negotiator".) anyhow, vaughn ricker broke my heart. i remember laying on my floor in my bedroom, knowing that life could not go on, and listening to my girl, whitney houston. when her "where do broken hearts go" began to play, something inside of me determined that that moment could not be forgotten. yes, you guessed it...i recorded myself, on my double cassette boombox, crying while whitney sang.

the recording was emotional...until...the sadness was interrupted by a knock on the door and my father saying, "Carrie, it's time for dinner." apparently, he wasn't aware of the emotional healing taking place, the first heartbreak being documented, and clearly, he had no respect for some good ol' whitney houston.

space

I want you so bad but I’m giving you space
I try to block you out but I can’t get rid of your face
In my mind you’re all I see
In my dreams I just can’t be
Left alone
I know it’s not right
I know I should go
But I can’t leave this thing I feel alone
It’s been so long since I felt this way
Didn’t think I’d see the day
That my heart would heal and begin to feel
The way I do

So, baby, just know
You can take your time
You can take it slow
You can take it anywhere you want to go
Cuz I can’t leave this thing I feel alone

I’m not sure how this turned
From fun to fear
of the unknown
I’m not sure when it was
Or where it was
Or how it was
but I’m telling you for sure
cuz I can’t leave this thing I feel alone
So, baby, just know

You can take your time
You can take it slow
You can take it anywhere you want to go
Cuz I can’t leave this thing I feel alone
Take your time
Take it slow
Take it anywhere you want to go

Baby, let’s take our time
Let’s take it slow
Let’s take it anywhere we want to go
Cuz we can’t leave this thing alone

just do it

i want to be an interior designer or a writer or both. i have a good job, but i always have a job that i do well at, but am not fulfilled in. i need an outlet for creativity. i think my flexibility keeps me from pursuing my dreams. i am too easy-going. i want to be uncomfortable so that i can't do anything except run after what fulfills me.

so, where should i start? what should i do to begin my pursuit of creativity? hmmm...maybe just saying it will motivate me. we shall see.

what would you like to hear?

i could write about a dozen things. all of which would be entertaining to any reader- a good story for those looking in. maybe i'll share this week someday. all i can muster up the strength to say is that it's friday night and i'm staying in. this weekend isn't getting any better than me...just me.