i walk by faith

i don't know where i'm going. i don't know what tomorrow holds. i don't know what i want or how to get there and it's the fear of the unknown. what i know is this...i have walked before with no light ahead. i have travelled a distance with no guarantee. i have woken up with hope when the sky seemed to be falling...and at the end of the day...i stood. i stood strong, firm and undefeated. it's this memory of the walk that reminds me that no fear is too great. no storm is too strong. no trial too great. the fact that i made it once gives me hope that i'll make it again. that's how i walk...by faith. by hope that this time will not be unlike the last- when my foot hits the ground, i won't be disappointed. i travel, i live, i walk...by faith.

peace of mind...

"He says it's impossible, but I know it's possible..."

Listening to Lauryn Hill now- Unplugged.

"I've got to find peace of mind...."

"You've made my desire pure..."

"You inspire me to be the higher me."

"Touch my mouth with your Hands..."

Merciful, merciful, merciful God.

need someone

Today is hard. Real hard. The lump in my throat isn't gone. I need someone. I really do. I need someone to share my burdens. I'm tired of doing it alone.

i wonder

i need a good cry. i feel the lump in my throat. my eyes well up with tears. i prepare myself to run somewhere, to let it go, and then nothing...

my eyes dry up. i feel naseous instead.

i wonder...
if i've cried all my tears.

heeeeeeeerrrrrrrre we go...

I'm waking up this morning- thankful. Life is so damn interesting. I got away last week- sailed the Western Caribbean. Everyone asked why I wasn't taking anyone with me. I can't tell you how much I needed to get away. It was just what I needed. A break from the conflict. I'm looking forward to today.

in a nutshell...

It seems necessary that I should stop and reflect for a minute. I have done so internally, but I feel like putting it in writing makes it more official. I cannot begin to tell you how extremely grateful I am for this place in my life. I have been blessed immeasurably and have come so far. I keep hearing people say, "Ten years ago, I was..." I'm chuckling to myself, because ten years ago for me was another life. I was in an abusive marriage- absorbed with grief almost on a daily basis. I lived a life of walking on eggshells and wondering what I would do or not do that would set the fire off. I would challenge myself to be tougher- to hold back the tears when I was publicly humiliated or somehow not do what he wanted after he'd push me out of a moving car because I was late from a hair appointment. That was ten years ago...a lifetime ago.

It's funny, because if I could pick one thing that I accomplished in 2009 it would be this...rediscovering my self-worth. Gaining back my confidence and value as a woman, a human being. It's amazing that, really, this took the past decade to regain. I continually remind myself of this- after all that I have been through, every valley, every trial, every sorrow, every joy- I have been blessed to have my right mind. I have been blessed to have a second chance and to be able to face that opportunity as a healthy, strong, and happy woman.

We can never expect where this journey will take us. Life has a mind of its own. We have to roll with the punches- take every step in stride and know that if it's been given to us, there is a reason and an opportunity for growth. I could never have imagined, in 2000, that I would make it out. I am blessed. I am incredibly blessed. My life is full. I look forward to 2010 with a bit of giddiness and expectancy- I am confident that this year is going to be icing on the cake for me. I realize more than ever before that I am capable of happiness. 2009 was an incredible year- it was hard at times, but overall, fulfilling and extremely productive. I was able to get back so much of what was born in me. For that, I can't even begin to express my gratitude. Life is good, my friends. Even when it isn't. It's good. It's breath and opportunity. Embrace it. Believe me when I tell you- I know.

progress

It is Monday, December 28, 2009. I am on vacation- week 2 is just beginning and I cannot tell you how badly I needed this. I have been running full speed for several months now and to just sit back, get my house in order, enjoy friends and a non-schedule has been refreshing to say the least. Besides time, I am not sure why I have not been able to write. So much is always happening- I am consistently reflecting and feeling the need to regroup and focus, but somehow I have not felt the motivation to put it on paper. Some days, I am overwhelmed with a feeling that my life is moving so quickly and I am missing opportunities to feed my passions. On other days, I am simply intrigued by the blessings in my life and the incredible growth I continue to experience. I must believe that this season is also one that I must embrace- living it to the fullest and knowing that as I develop more into the person I was created to be, I will not be able to help but fulfill my passions.

I hope to find the time this week to update you on my life- there is so much- my sister, who has now been here for 6 months; my job, which I continue to find great favor at and am busier than ever; my love life, which still is lacking any sort of commitment, but is fun nonetheless; my friends, who remind me that I can be loved; my parents, who I am still trying to find my way with. It's all good. It's all growth. It's all a reminder that life is good and every breath is a blessing...because even on the days that I hurt and feel useless, frustrated, and overwhelmed- I am a better person today than I was yesterday.