GOD

Yesterday, this thought came to me...so big in my mind, but nearly impossible for me to express in words..."Who is God outside of religion?" I have an incredible belief in God- a respect and fear of His presence. A desire to be like Him and see His attributes demonstrated through me. I have always believed...for as long as I can remember, there was never a time that I doubted His existence.

I grew up in a very religious home. Religious rules. Religious practices. Religious activities. Religious songs. Religious books. Religious schools. Religious College. Religious degree. Religious. Period. Undeniably, I formed my specific ideas about God around this religion. Although, I was never one to believe God to be in a box of rules and man-made interpretations...it is impossible to think that I could have formed my ideas any other way, really. It was how I grew up. It was engrained in me.

When I left the church, 8 years ago, I was leaving pain. I was leaving backbiting, hypocrisy, closed-mindedness, judgment...and a slew of other things that disgusted me. Hurt me, really. I couldn't understand how such a gracious, loving Father could be indicated by such destruction. When I left the church...somehow, my understanding was that in doing that...I had to "kindof" leave God. Because if I continued to be close to Him, I would have to remain in what I did not want...church, religion, fake talk. So, I kept God at a distance. My heart did not grow cold...my belief did not waiver, but I put growing on hold. It seemed necessary in order to protect myself from the things that had beat me up year after year.

I would never, ever, ever tell you that God was confined to a religion. I believe God to be so much greater- so much bigger. But I think that that is exactly what my small mind has done. My fear of a "religion" or a "church" or a "practice" somehow got all jumbled up in my mind- as a fear of God.

So, I wonder...and I will strive to learn, especially this month...who is God? Who is He- outside of these things that have influenced my thinking? How can I embrace Him? How can I grow in His grace and guidance? How can I know Him outside of a specific church with its own interpretations? Who is God outside of religion? Who is God outside of the boundaries that cause one to look at another and consider he or she lost? Who is God outside of the radical thinkings that cause wars? Who is God without the boxes that make Him only approve of certain practices and not of others? Who does the individual in a far away land, with no knowledge of organized religion, believe God to be? Without the boundaries of a church or a set of rules, without the influence of someone else's belief, who does man, at his core, believe God to be? I refuse to believe that we cannot believe without religion. I refuse to believe that we cannot reach God without a vehicle that has a specific description. That would simply go against everything that I believe about God. That would make God far too small.

If I can solidify my belief...if I can increase my faith...if I can find healing from the wounds of religion and hold tight to my belief and love for God...then maybe, I can renegotiate, reconsider my relationship with religion....maybe. Just maybe.

30 days

I am starting my walk through Ramadan. Not because I have decided to claim a religious sector as my own or because I want to join a group of people...but because this 30 days of fasting comes at a time when I cannot turn it down. I am searching. For answers. For understanding. For peace. For patience. For so much more than I can find on my own- while in the midst of my normal routine, surrounded by my normal influences. I am in need of a sort of freedom that can only come from sacrifice. I am in need of a spiritual vulnerability that will allow for me to dig deeper than I have been able to in quite some time. I am in need...quite simply. I am in great need.

I acknowledge that need. I acknowledge that I am lacking. I acknowledge that what I can do in my own strength is just not good enough. There is so much missing in my life. As blessed as I am, there is an incredible void that has to be filled. This month...I want to allow room for that to be filled. I want to clear the distractions- I want to quiet the voices- the good intentioned voices and hear only that still small voice.

This struggle is mine. It is the one thing that I own. My life. My experience. My race. My battle. My win. My loss. My gain. My joy. My pain. I have come so much closer to being who I was created to be...I have come so far...but the journey continues and there are strongholds that still weigh me. Anchors that hang in the pit of my very core. I pray, with deep sincerity, that these 30 days will find me and my willingness to discover and to grow.

feeling

i've said it before...and here i am again...hating this sense...this "feeling". i wish i could make it disappear- control myself enough to determine when i want to and when i don't want to feel. to flip the switch that turns off the hurt and makes the questions disappear. i am weak today. again. i want to believe this weakness is a strength...somehow...someday...to believe that my heart- my sense of feel- will not only strengthen others, but strengthen me. but i can't feel that...i can't find that part of the feeling. i can only feel the emptiness that makes me want to hide. the part that screams for peace of mind. where is my healing? my support? my wake up in the morning and know that someone has my back more than i do? i want that feeling. if i have to feel, then i want to know the feeling of comfort and hope. i want to know peace today. i want to know surety, security, and faith. if i have to feel...i want to feel that my pain is valid. that it is recognized and that someone believes in me more than i do. just for today. i want to feel this or feel nothing at all.

the truth is...

that sometimes it hurts. and when it hurts- you speak. you reach out to the ones that you trust. sometimes, they hear what you are saying and sometimes, when you're lucky, they hear what you are trying to say.

today, i am looking forward. period. knowing that i have given of myself. knowing that i will continue to give of myself...

it is a risk to give- but if we never take the risk, we will not know the sweet taste of victory when the cards are played in our favor. that's life- the thrill of not knowing all of the answers- but playing anyways.

i'm coming off of this weekend with my head held high. confident. i played well.

sometimes faith is simply believing that you are not alone. that somehow in the midst of whatever it is you are going through, you believe that you are surrounded by such a cloud as these...it is to look around you and know that you are blessed. that you are victorious because of the life you have been given. to know that your struggle, your experience is what has made you this strong and that same strength will be great enough to carry you through. sometimes faith is just knowing this. just believing...this. you are never alone.

"my neighbor likes where I stay...but doesn't know the price that I pay..."

peace of mind

it's the theme right now, because i need it. the mind is so unbelievably powerful- when under control- i am wise and strong and motivated. when it is weak- i am weak. i am hopeless. i am...how i am right now. on the verge of tears. stomach in knots. stress gripping my body and making my dumb siatic nerve pulse through my back, down my hips and into my leg and foot.

it's amazing...how simply we can overcome fear and obstacles...with a clear mind. and even more amazing how difficult it is to actually have one.

i've got to find peace of mind...

i know it's possible.