the ride

i did exactly what i felt i needed to do last night. i went to my favorite little spot in DC, with my pen and journal, and a glass of wine. it was a night of reflection- just me and me...and according to my horoscope...it's just what i was supposed to do. "sit down at the negotiation table with you and you and focus on your goals. this will alleviate the internal struggle you are facing."

i thought that i would be attempting to find peace and de-stress. instead, i found myself already at peace and deeply inspired. i found out, yesterday, that my ex-husband just got married. i don't have the time to delve into how bizarre this is to me. but it is. it really made me think- reflect and remember how far i have come since those days- those hard days. yes, i am dealing with some drama issues right now, but the realization of my confidence and determination to settle for nothing less than the best for me- made me sit up proudly last night. i am unbelievably grateful for the opportunities that i have been given to make decisions that are good for me. for years, i felt remorse over bad decisions. i felt like a failure because i knew better, but chose worse. this ride that i am on is teaching me so much. i am so excited that i am in a place where i have the strength and confidence to do what i know is best.

today, i will take care of the situation that i mentioned yesterday. i feel good about it. i feel at peace about just being real and doing what is best for me. i feel confident that he will understand my sincerity. and really...i hope that he is motivated to be better and do the same for himself. i know, this sounds naiive...extremely hopeful...but i do hope. i continue to hope...even when this ride takes me where i don't expect to go. hope motivates me and to be honest...i haven't yet been disappointed in believing.

trying to find a way...

somehow, i seem to find myself in the most peculiar situations. in the middle of it, i wonder how i got there and how the hell i am supposed to get out. i've done this a few times before and always say that i never make the same mistake twice. i may make a mistake because of the same core issue, but never the same mistake twice. well, this week, my dilemma is all new to me and i don't know how to find my way out.

i met someone a few weeks ago. we have been spending time together since and i have enjoyed his company. there were a couple of things that concerned me a little and reminded me to tread lightly- his age (he's younger than me), his ex (she's certifiably crazy), and the possibility of him drinking too much, too often (i figured i would find this out over time- in an attempt to not be judgmental). in getting to know him, i have found many things that i like about him. i have taken to him quickly. he comes from a dear family, he is sincere and caring, he is very responsive and has been nothing but a gentleman. we enjoy each other and have had fun spending time together.

last week, i met some of his friends- one in particular that gave me a very bad vibe. funny enough, he told me that this particular friend told him to watch out for me- he didn't like me. no problem, not fishy for someone to not like me- i can accept that. however, this guy is shady. he's older (much older than my friend) and he has trouble written all over him. i felt it as soon as i met him. i 100% believe that, because i am wise to his game or whatever you want to call it, he immediately had negative feelings about me. again, no problem; however, this concerned me because this is the circle that my friend runs with.

so, i continue to spend time with this man. he was in my home yesterday- he spent the night. he needed something from his bag and asked me to grab it- then suddenly changed his mind. i wasn't worried about this, mainly because i didn't care to go through his stuff anyhow. he continued to tell me that he had something in his bag that i would not approve of- maybe because he thought i would look anyhow- i'm not sure. well, he's right- i don't approve. i don't approve and i am trying to find a way to back track.

my suspicions were right about the people he runs with and now, i don't know how to get myself out of this situation and out of it quickly. i am nervous. i am by myself and do not in anyway want to be involved in this type of thing. i am worried about the combination of the issues involved and am not sure how to deal with it. he drinks too much. he runs with a bad crowd. he carries a gun.

should i talk to him honestly and share that, although, i like him, i am uncomfortable with this lifestyle and can't be a part of it? i have dealt with these issues before, but never with someone that i was involved with. it was always with the parents of the children that i worked with- in that situation, i never worried about myself because these parents appreciated my time with their children and knew that i cared deeply about them and their families. this is different. i had no idea that this was what i was getting myself into. i know that this man likes me and has said on several occasions that he knows i am a "good person", with good intentions. will he understand my concerns and accept my exit?

help.

beauty becomes her

she played with her babies, her barbies, her dresses, and fancy shoes. she surrounded herself with pretty and pretty became her. she listened to them say how her eyes were so blue and her hair so fine. she heard them say, "you look like your mommy" and her mom was just so...so beautiful.

she grew a bit...not grown...but growing...changing, developing...and pretty became her. her eyes still so blue and her hair still fine. her babies and barbies turned to boys and still beauty enticed her. she listened to them say they liked her...she wondered why. they didn't know she was fun and smart and kind.

not quite a woman and no longer a girl...still pretty dresses and fancy shoes...but added to her beauty were so many things only she knew. no one seemed to see these- she wanted to give them, but could not seem to please. her beauty...the pretty...became her, but hid her from being seen by those looking for all she could give. they chased and they touched- they reached for the pretty- they took from the pretty- they stole from the pretty til she lost sight of the beauty she believed to become her.

beautiful body, beautiful mind, beautiful spirit- all of the kind that draws one soul in and brings healing to the mind..but she couldn't see it, she couldn't feel it, didn't know it at all. all she could see was the pulling, the tugging, the groping, the taking of her total inside. she'd been robbed of her beauty, her youth, her gift, her innocence- it did not become her- she had to hide.

slowly she began to see the truth behind the beauty she still believed in- it wasn't the pretty dresses, the fancy shoes, the blue eyes, the hair, the body or the way she walked around- turning heads and grabbing the eyes of the men looking as blind as they knew how to- at the width of her hips or the curve of her breasts. she knew it wasn't the way that she moved and hypnotized the sexed up man in her bed. it wasn't the pull that she caused when he walked by her- smelling her, needing her, and feeling he couldn't get there fast enough. this beauty was not the beauty she knew to become her- and that was beautiful in itself.

she believed in the power within her. she was confident that she could go anywhere, be anyone, and do anything, see anything, hear anything, and face anything before her. she knew the kindness and passion that exuded from her strengths. she realized the inner struggle that she was sure she could overcome. she knew the future that was hers, as long as she was faithful to follow after it. she saw the gift that she continually gave to those around her- her ear, her shoulder, her love, her strength, and her willingness to share what was within her. her faith was inspiring and her courage motivating. her spirit wanted more and that was beauty. that was beauty that she knew deserved more than a pull, a tug, or a grope. it was beauty that deserved the soul of someone beautiful enough to become her.

it's okay- just breathe

The past few months have been a whirlwind- new home, new job, new friends, new city, new life. I have been thoroughly enjoying myself and have to say that I have barely taken a chance to sit back and enjoy the new scenery...of my life. It has been such a change from the past 10 years that I haven't wanted to pause- afraid that it might go away.

Yesterday, I felt the strong need for focus. I feel like it is finally time for me to sit down and breathe- and that it's okay to do it. I have been so busy doing things that involve everyone else- not in a negative way- just busy going out, being with friends, dating, etc. I have neglected spending time with me. There are so many things that need my attention and these things will provide growth. So, I'm not trying to change my new world- I'm just at a place where I feel comfortable making it balance.

My job needs more of my attention. Things are going very well, but they could be going better. So, I am going to work more. I need to start saving money. So, I am going to spend less. I want to focus on my passions- writing, music, and volunteering. So, I am going to give more of my time to these things. I am excited about this. I am going to stop dating people that I don't enjoy or see any sort of future with. For some reason, I have been giving people more chances than I am happy to give. The time that I will save with people I don't enjoy will be time that can be focused on my growth.

So, this post is not about great creativity- it is about real stuff. It is about what I finally feel- comfort with happiness. Before, it scared me and I was afraid it would leave. My life has been so filled with crap that I have been nervous that normalcy would not last. I'm not sure that it won't, but my life is finally so much more stable than it has ever been. I am grateful and I really believe that I have the power to keep it as close to this as possible....but I have to focus. So, here it goes. Wish me luck.

thankful

I am so thankful today. I am thankful for a fresh start. I am thankful for another chance to live. I am thankful for the great privilege of being happy. I am thankful for my friends, my sisters, my family, my job, my home. I am thankful for the overwhelming reality of my new life. I am thankful that there is always a way out of the hard times that we find ourselves in. I am thankful for our resilience and the strength that we find to hope even when we feel like all hope is gone. I am thankful for the courage that we find to make decisions that are difficult, but life-changing. I am thankful for truth and love. I am thankful for the motivation I feel to be better. I am thankful for the grace that I've been shown and want to share with others. I am thankful for so many things this morning- and surprisingly, I am thankful for me.

Just had to post this.

I read this blog today and couldn't help but post this comment. The thread was concerning, not Barack's blackness, but Michelle's blackness being the real issue with white America's fear of an Obama White House. This man's comment is astounding.

PermalinkAtticus
Finch 1
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Your analysis is superb and helpful.
But I still am astounded that anyone would be threatened rather than thrilled by
the thought of her being first lady.I am white. I have 4 kids. And dear God in
heaven let them all have the pride and brilliance of Michelle Obama.And to those
macho crackers who are reeling at the thought of a black woman being in a
leadership role, a position of authority, I have only a scornful reaction.Get
the fuck out now crackers, because your day is ending and you will be expected
to go back in your little holes and disappear from sight, along with your
dumb-as-a-log, civil liberties-hating, dipshit of a President.And as to what you
probably fear most profoundly and most deeply, i.e., that the end of white power
will occasion some payback, let me assure you -- as a white male with a full
cracker appearance -- of the following:We know who you are. And white guys like
me -- who you haven’t noticed because you have been too fucking dumb to think
that wealthy and powerful white family guys like me have been loathing you --
have been watching you use male privilege and whiteness to gain riches and power
and prestige. We have watched you demean and ridicule and hate and -- worst of
all -- smirk. We have watched you sit in steam rooms at clubs and universities,
we have been sitting in those rooms next to you, we have been listening. And to
say we despise you is ----- well, let us just say that despise is a term of
affection compared to the loathing we feel. And you day, your eclipse, your
decline, is at hand. And you know what, dipshit, you won’ t even know it is me
loathing you because one way I am going to be part of the payback against
privilege, is by expressing completely disingenuous sympathy as you and all the
condescending racists watch your world crumble.And while you won’t know who I am
-- you'll think I am your friend because I will be acting and smiling and giving
you white pats on the back -- I will be doing everything covert I can to undo
everything you have worked for and gained on the backs of those you treated with
condescension.You may be pretty much dumb asses yourselves, but I know you are
smart enough to remember all the times you treated people of color with
arrogance, every time you mumbled “nigger,” every time you raised your voice to
a waiter who couldn’t scurry around fast enough to suit your white ass, every
time you moaned about affirmative action while sopping up white affirmative
action, every pathetic time you told a pollster that you were voting for a black
candidate and then went in the booth and pulled the secret white lever that you
and I know about and then only told one white friend.Well guess what? I am the
white friend you told! And I laughed with you. But then I went home and added
you to the list of macho white trash that would eventually lose it all.But then
again, I have already been causing you a shitload of trouble. In fact, you may
know who I am: Remember when you had that really nice boss who was loyal to you
and to whom you were loyal? And remember the sad day when he called you in and
told you that there was nothing he wouldn’t do to avoid having to let a great
guy like you go? And then he gave you a hug? And you walked out. I was the guy.
And I fired your sorry white ass because your arrogance and condescension and
racism and blatant use of male privilege sickened me. And because every time you
told a nigger joke you never even considered that anyone in your presence might
not have a racist lily white country club honky-ass family like you.You felt
safe around me. And that was your mistake. In the beginning of Ralph Ellison’s
tour de force The Invisible Man, the unnamed black protagonist is given a
recommendation letter that he doesn’t know will sabotage and ruin him. Well, so
help me, on countless occasions I have sabotaged careers of white men who
thought no one was watching when they used the race or gender card. And now it
will only get worse. So tomorrow, when you go to your bank or law firm or
hospital or university, take a close look at your supervisors. You know the ones
who claim to look out for you. The ones who make more money than you but who you
don’t envy because they care about you?Well, one of them is me. And not only do
I not give a flying fuck about you, my kindness is a mask for loathing.I pity
your poor bastards. Because I’m not the black guy whose ascension you fear, I’m
one of you. I look like you. In fact, I am sitting in my office looking out at
you right now. I just winked at you, in fact. You look safe and secure in your
arrogance, your whiteness. Good. Relax. In fact, email me another of your
dumbest white sexist or racist jokes. I promise to laugh. That’s what I want.
Just know that I know everything. I’ve seen everything. And know that now I am
waiting for what for me will be the last straw. The next Barack joke or the next
time you demean a woman like Michelle, you are going to be standing there like a
fucking cyclone just hit you. And you’ll be asking:What happened to my career?
Where did my juice go? My privilege?I can’t wait. Come on asshole, make fun of
Michelle Obama. I dare you, you arrogant fuck.Make my day.

sweet chloe candy girl

I was handed the cutest puppy in the world, on my birthday in 2001. She was 6 weeks old and my first thought was that I didn't know how I was going to manage giving her a good life when I was so busy. I couldn't resist though. She had the sweetest eyes and I knew early on that she would be my right hand man.

Chloe is 7 years old now and I can't imagine my life without her. She has moved 6 times with me. I know she hates the moves as much as I do. She has adjusted to the craziness, time and time again. She is flexible with my schedule and still loves me every time I walk in and out of the door. I have been so busy lately. Every day it has been something- all day and all night. Thankfully, I am able to come through the house during the day. She has a walker and she has a little friend in the building. It is not that she is being neglected...it is that I miss her. This dog has brought me joy, sanity, and companionship. She is my "all-weather" friend. So, it's Saturday and instead of going out tonight- I'm staying in.