Thanks, Kimberley, for a great Thanksgiving Day. It was refreshing to be with family, noise, laughter, good food and a killer fire. I'm so thankful for our friendship!

disconcerted

i realized this week that i am doing something that i've done before. i am repeating history in my own life and it is something that i cannot do again. as strong and independent as i am, i seem to lose my wits when it comes to love. i suppose this is part of love, but i keep making the wrong decisions and finding myself shaking my head at my misery.

i grumbled about it to my friend and said i was exhausted from it. in utter frustration, not with me, but with men i think, she yelled..."YOU ARE NOT EXHAUSTED!!!! You are not exhausted because you have done nothing to be exhausted from! Play the game and THEN say you are exhausted." she continued and i sat there and in all my strong-womanness, tears sneaked down my cheeks. she was right. she was so right. because i wanted something so badly, i was doing what he wanted so that i could have what i wanted. it is not what is best for me...

i have to deny myself what i want in order to get what i want. self-discipline. self-control. both things that i am not good at. my heart is involved. i have fallen in love and i HAVE to walk away. i have to be healthy. i have to set boundaries and play the game to win...not to play.

ugh. i hate these days. i got teary eyed at work cuz i was so mad. that made me madder.

good times

now.

i've been feeling a little down the past week. a number of events have caused me to get stuck a bit on the past and be anxious about the future. not my typical pattern of worry and worry, really isn't one of my typical patterns. whatever. i needed a sit down with one of my girls and while i was trying to reason with myself and talk myself back into reality...she said, "you've got to live in the now." i shut up and just let it sink in. i know this, but somehow, it TOTALLY slipped my mind. i got so wrapped up in expectations and emotions that i just plain old forgot to be concerned with right NOW. and to be so completely honest, right now is great. i have come so far, pulled through so much, and i am really happy right now. i have wonderful friends, a great job, i love where i live. i am healthy, financially stable, and in love with life. i am driven and inspired everyday to be better. i am witnessing an incredible time in history. now is good. now is all i have. the past is gone. tomorrow isn't here and i can't make it happen. now is exactly what i need. and that makes me happy. thanks kimberley.

Hmmm. I am sitting down to write, because I insist. Insist to write what- I do not know. I would like to write something powerfully inspirational...something beautifully stimulating and something that makes the reader dig deeper within. I really would. I would also like to write something brutally honest. Something that is inside me that would be so raw and shocking that it would be clear that I believed in unadulterated truth and authenticity. I really would.

I would also like to save the world. I would like to remind people that there is life outside of their struggles and a power within to survive. I would like to put food in the bellies of all of the babies out there who ate raw ramen noodles and maybe nothing else today. I would like to comb a little girl's hair simply because no one else will. I would like to love the little boy who can't sit still at school because he's hungry and tired and doesn't know what concentration looks like. I would like to remind someone today that they can be anyone and do anything that they want to do. I would like to be there when that one person thought no one could be there. I really would.

I'd like to end poverty. I'd like to feed starvation away. I'd like to clothe and home homelessness. I'd like to heal the hurting. I'd like to end the fight against abuse. I'd like to end the cycle that causes so many to feel they cannot. I'd like to...I really would...but I cannot. I cannot do any one of these things tonight. All I can do is sit here and tap on my laptop, in my overpriced apartment, on my velvet couch. All I can do is listen to my dish washer and MSNBC in the background, while deciding which new dress I will wear to work tomorrow.

I know I've mentioned the seasons a few times, but really...I had no idea how much I missed them over the years. Autumn is here and I am reminded why I have claimed this as my favorite season for so long. I'm not sure if it is the crispness in the air, the crunchy leaves that make the walk so much less lonely, or the gorgeous colors that crown the trees. I'm tempted to believe that it is my insistence on finding something deeper in everything I see. I think that it is because fall reminds me of the necessity of death. By death, I don't mean the end of life but the end of seasons...the closing of chapters. I don't care where you are or what you are going through, good or bad, the time always comes when you must close the door and open another.

I suppose you refer to this idea when thinking about any season; however, the idea of the beauty that comes before death in this season is what gets me so excited. I'd like to think that the process in closing a door allows for incredible beauty. I wonder tonight, what door it is that I need to close. I have been reflecting on this for weeks now. Wondering what the underlying cause is to some of my inclinations for things that are not for my best. I wonder if this fall will be my time for change. I wonder if this season will signify the death of bad habits or tendencies that do not allow me to grow to my fullest potential or embrace true contentment. I wonder if my acceptance and willingness to discover more about myself will allow for beauty to "become me". I wonder what will come of this closing of a door or this changing of seasons. Whatever it is, I know that when winter is allowed to settle on the bare trees, there is beauty to follow...fruit and new life. I am ready to grow...I am ready to produce new fruit in my life.

Change is a thrill to me. Perhaps, the leaves taking on a new look and the air drawing in a crispness is my reminder to allow for change...always. It is necessary to grow. Just remind me when it is cold...