wowzas

I am still an emotional mess. Have been since my last post. I don't know what in the world my problem is. I'm going to bed early and taking this weekend to recoup and celebrate the exciting things going on in DC.

Tonight, I was writing in my journal and came across some things from a while back. I've come so far. I thought I'd share them.

"This is ridiculous. I can't even write what I feel. I can't even look at myself in the mirror. It's all in my head. When the words start to form, I hear all the answers- the promises- the reasons- the "well, what did you think's?". So, I figure I'm better off to keep quiet and to follow my fear as it drags me around by the God damn neck.

Why do I choose to lay in this misery? To torture myself with my own lies? I make my decisions with passion and disregard them immediately. I say I am strong and then I build on my debt- not out of want but out of need- to satisfy, to soothe, to surround myself with distractions...something to remind me of peace.

Where do I go from here? From this exact moment when hurt overwhelms me? My options are these- to sleep, hoping that in the morning, I'll forget my tears; to lash out; to call; to try to make him share my pain; or to lose what I have held onto for this time...this that I've so tightly gripped, always knowing that my choices never change...always fearing the same, so much...that I stay right here.

Please let me sleep. Please clear my mind. Please keep me still. Please let me sleep. Please clear my mind. Please, please keep me still tonight."