day 26

"Allah, on this day, make my efforts worthy of appreciation, and my sins forgiven, my deeds accepted, my flaws concealed, O the best of those who hear."

As Ramadan comes to a close, I am sensitive to being sure that I remain as focused as I possibly can. I am still holding out for some breakthroughs. I'm not sure how to explain it or put it into words...

This prayer today was very real to me. There were very specific situations that I anticipated today and I felt this was right on time. I don't feel like I was able to follow through though. I am reminding myself...again...to trust God. If I say it to myself once, I say it a dozen times a day...trust God. Trust God. Trust God. I wish I could say more tonight- something that is profound and encouraging to someone...but I can't.

God, hear me. God, who hears and gives me ears to hear....hear my cry, hear my plea, hear my need. You are the best of those who hear...allow my spirit, which knows God and the spirit of God, to understand Your ways and Your thoughts. Make my efforts worthy of YOUR appreciation. I was created for YOU. Help me to trust YOUR plan. God, hear me. God, who hears and gives me ears to hear....hear my cry, hear my plea, hear my need.

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint. Teach me Lord, Teach me Lord to wait."

day 20

....God is my unwavering support.



Open the doors of Heaven to me and lock the doors of hell...

These are my words for today. My prayer and my promise. Unwavering support. I feel blessed today.

I am so torn on something today...I'm a lover not a fighter and boy oh boy...I am fighting not to love for some reason. I am praying for rest on this before I finish this fast. Trusting that every path will be made clear...that my eyes would see and my ears would hear.

Walking by faith. Trusting. Believing.

Goodnight

day 19

i'm holding on for dear life. i'm going to finish this- no doubt. but life does not stop for our spiritual journeys- our little retreats of absolute focus. instead, we are forced to prioritize the struggles- the wrestling between flesh and blood and spiritual things. that my friends, is not easy. not even a little bit.

then again, who said anything in life is easy? can't say i've ever heard that before. life is a series of challenges- races- fights- mountains and valleys. the fact that we are here to participate and travel through it is a blessing...

i am counting my blessings today. i am reminding myself of the absolute goodness in my life. i am believing that more blessings are to come...more good things. those breaks that i really need have got to be on the way. the last heat waves of summer are rolling through and i long for a refreshing breeze...my soul longs for it. and for that reason, i know it will come. it has got to come....and come quickly.

with sacrifice comes blessing.

day 18

day 18...what shall i say of thee? :) the last couple of days have been hard. real hard. i've been thirsty, lethargic, and a little bit down. kept busy yesterday- enjoyed time with a friend last evening. today- well, hoped that the sun would set as soon as possible. with the practicalities mentioned- i will tell you that i am finding my feet on solid ground.

prayer changes things. maybe we don't see the big requests met immediately- and maybe that's often because they aren't supposed to be...we often pray for things that are not in our best interest. i am thankful that i have not been forgotten. i am encouraged daily by the provisions of God...by His mercies in my life...His long-suffering and gentle reminders.

i am excited to see what more i have to glean from this journey...12 more days with this discipline. but confident the journey will not end there.

day 13

i have been reading from a site that has 30 daily Ramadan prayers- today, one of the lines in the prayer was "make me patient over events that are decreed." sigh. i accept that- difficult to do, but i accept that.

my reading today was like life to me. living, breathing words that spoke directly to me. encouraged me. made me smile with gratitude. my reading from the Quran was mainly about Moses. God had a task for him to do- a plan for his life- and Moses was afraid. he felt inferior. he wondered how he would be able to do what was being asked of him. God reminded him of how he had gotten this far...how his life was spared and how miraculously he was shown mercy for his own mistakes. He said, "I have made you just for Me."

sometimes, it takes being reminded that even in our own self-sufficiency- our own independence- we are granted the gift of life and not for our own purpose but for something much greater. i was created for Him. every trial, every blessing, every bit of growth, every failure, every gift of abundant mercy is not for me. every talent, every weakness, every gift...it is greater than me. i have been made just for Him. this journey...this road i'm travelling on...is so that i can, at the end of the road, stand confident that i have accomplished what i was made for...for the purpose of God. for the pleasure of God. for the will of God. if i fail to realize this daily- i am living in vain.

this humbles me. my purpose is so much greater than me. i long to walk with purpose- for every step i take to be ordered before i have even put my foot on the ground. when we walk in this way- it is impossible to fear. it is impossible to be anxious, because we realize that we were not created for ourselves, but for God. and God does all things well.

"Be at rest once more, oh my soul, for the Lord has been good to you." psalm 116

"How can I repay the Lord for all His goodness to me?" psalm 116

"Give thanks to the Lord for He is good...His love endures forever." psalm 118

scattered thoughts today, i know. but this is my journey. my spiritual journey and this is day 13. a day filled with peace- a day that was filled with deep thoughts but still productive and peaceful. i trusted today...believe it or not. i rested...in the knowledge that His ways are better than mine. i must believe that.

day 6

i don't really know what to say about today. i worked hard to try and keep some sort of reign on my thoughts...worked for some things, i suppose. what i have on my mind is just real life stuff. job, relationships, direction, family....you know, the things that you so desire to have in order, but rarely do. i feel little inspiration tonight. i feel very unspiritual. i feel a little bit detached. i feel like fasting today didn't do much for my soul. but then again...that is specifically what i didn't like about church...the fact that half the time it was based on feeling. wow. guess you can tell i hadn't organized these thoughts before writing them.

regardless of how i feel then...this is what i know. i am confident in my faith in God. i am sure that my sacrifice will be blessed...somehow. i am at peace instead of at war with my mind today. that alone is growth.

i have alot on my mind now...alot to ponder. alot to pray about. so as boring as this may sound to you tonight, whoever you are :), i'm going to bed.

day 5

"when i said my foot is slipping, oh Lord, your love supported me.

when anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."

"do not argue God with me, when He is the one who has guided me."

"Allah, on this day, place me among those who seek forgiveness. Place me among your righteous and obedient servants, and place me among your close friends, by your kindness, oh Merciful One."

This is how my day began. With words of encouragement, confidence, and a sincere request. I jotted the notes above after my reading early this morning. Every morning, I have been making my way through the Quran and then reading portions from the Bible. I really can't tell you what a blessing this time is. This morning, I didn't have a lot to write, so I figured I would save what spoke to me and then come back to it.

As good and strong and confident and hopeful as I have felt in the last couple of days, it was a surprise to me today that when I woke up for the second time- I felt terribly alone. Sad. Heavy. Burdened. I felt like I was on the verge of tears and my mind was racing with invalid thoughts that did not belong in my home, let alone my heart. I missed a call from a friend and when I called her back- she said that she was thinking about me so much this morning and that there was part of a book that she was reading she just had to share with me. Without her going any further, I was already in tears. I wasn't alone. In my own, small apartment where nobody knew the burden I was carrying this morning, God had heard my cry.

I read the part of the book that she wanted me to read and wondered how the writer had known my thoughts when she sat to write her bestseller. She talked about faith. She talked about devotion. She talked about how faith is running head first into the dark- "pre-accepting the terms of the universe and embracing in advance what I am presently incapable of understanding." She insisted on not wanting something other than faith- an "insurance policy" of sorts- but simply wanting God. "I just want God. I want God inside me. I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water." She talked about deliberate prayers and taking control of those things that we can choose, specifically our thoughts...

Listen to what she said-

"So I've started being vigilant about watching my thoughts all day, and monitoring them. I repeat this vow about 700 times a day: 'I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore.' The first time I heard myself say this, my inner ear perked up at the word 'harbor', which is a noun as well as a verb. A harbor, of course, is a place of refuge, a port of entry. I pictured the harbor of my mind- a little beat-up, perhaps, a little storm-worn, but well situated and with a nice depth. The harbor of my mind is an open bay, the only access to the island of my Self (which is a young and volcanic island, yes, but fertile and promising). This island has been through some wars, it is true, but it is now committed to peace, under the new leader (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the place. And now- let the word go out across the seven seas- there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor.

You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague ships of thoughts, with your slave ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts- all these will be turned away. Likewise, any pamphleteers, mutineers and violent assassins, desperate prostitues, pimps and seditious stowaways- you may not come here anymore either. Cannibalistic thoughts, for obvious reasons, will no longer be received. Even missionaries will be screened carefully, for sincerity. This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquility. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thougths, then you are welcome in my mind- otherwise, I shall turn you all back toward the see from whence you came."

:) I have read a dozen times this week, so far, "Do not harbor doubt". Doubt, simply being the source or the seed of all of the other unhealthy thoughts that I have been fighting. I have read again and accept the gentle reminder that it is necessary to control my thoughts. I was so encouraged. I was so incredibly supported by the love of God early in my day. I prayed a prayer asking God to place me among the righteous, among the obedient, among His close friends...and He answered my prayer almost immediately with the voice of an obedient friend. "When my foot was slipping, He supported me with His love."

His word was on time today. It always is...I'm just not usually paying attention to the clock. "Do not argue God with me, when He is the One who guides me...."

So, I'm closing down Day 5- encouraged. Belly full of Lamb Stew. Green tea in hand. Good music playing and...an answered prayer.