Hmmm. I am sitting down to write, because I insist. Insist to write what- I do not know. I would like to write something powerfully inspirational...something beautifully stimulating and something that makes the reader dig deeper within. I really would. I would also like to write something brutally honest. Something that is inside me that would be so raw and shocking that it would be clear that I believed in unadulterated truth and authenticity. I really would.

I would also like to save the world. I would like to remind people that there is life outside of their struggles and a power within to survive. I would like to put food in the bellies of all of the babies out there who ate raw ramen noodles and maybe nothing else today. I would like to comb a little girl's hair simply because no one else will. I would like to love the little boy who can't sit still at school because he's hungry and tired and doesn't know what concentration looks like. I would like to remind someone today that they can be anyone and do anything that they want to do. I would like to be there when that one person thought no one could be there. I really would.

I'd like to end poverty. I'd like to feed starvation away. I'd like to clothe and home homelessness. I'd like to heal the hurting. I'd like to end the fight against abuse. I'd like to end the cycle that causes so many to feel they cannot. I'd like to...I really would...but I cannot. I cannot do any one of these things tonight. All I can do is sit here and tap on my laptop, in my overpriced apartment, on my velvet couch. All I can do is listen to my dish washer and MSNBC in the background, while deciding which new dress I will wear to work tomorrow.

I know I've mentioned the seasons a few times, but really...I had no idea how much I missed them over the years. Autumn is here and I am reminded why I have claimed this as my favorite season for so long. I'm not sure if it is the crispness in the air, the crunchy leaves that make the walk so much less lonely, or the gorgeous colors that crown the trees. I'm tempted to believe that it is my insistence on finding something deeper in everything I see. I think that it is because fall reminds me of the necessity of death. By death, I don't mean the end of life but the end of seasons...the closing of chapters. I don't care where you are or what you are going through, good or bad, the time always comes when you must close the door and open another.

I suppose you refer to this idea when thinking about any season; however, the idea of the beauty that comes before death in this season is what gets me so excited. I'd like to think that the process in closing a door allows for incredible beauty. I wonder tonight, what door it is that I need to close. I have been reflecting on this for weeks now. Wondering what the underlying cause is to some of my inclinations for things that are not for my best. I wonder if this fall will be my time for change. I wonder if this season will signify the death of bad habits or tendencies that do not allow me to grow to my fullest potential or embrace true contentment. I wonder if my acceptance and willingness to discover more about myself will allow for beauty to "become me". I wonder what will come of this closing of a door or this changing of seasons. Whatever it is, I know that when winter is allowed to settle on the bare trees, there is beauty to follow...fruit and new life. I am ready to grow...I am ready to produce new fruit in my life.

Change is a thrill to me. Perhaps, the leaves taking on a new look and the air drawing in a crispness is my reminder to allow for change...always. It is necessary to grow. Just remind me when it is cold...

you've gotta love some whitney houston...

this picture brought back some memories that i just have to share. if i had to describe myself to someone, i would possibly say that i am sensitive, but not one who wears my feelings on my sleeve. i would say that i am expressive, but not dramatic. i hope this story doesn't give you the wrong impression.

several years back, when my parents were getting ready to move to california, i was going through some things that were in the "keep or trash" boxes that needed to be widdled down. i came across a cassette tape that, for whatever reason, i decided to pop into the stereo. i could hear the static of a self-made recording. as i listened more closely, i recognized the sound of sniffles and sobs. then the music began...

you see, my first "boyfriend"...vaughn ricker... dumped me when i was not even 12. i know...tragic. i'm going to refer to this as my only "dumping". yes, it's true and maybe this incident is the reason why i've never since been dumped. (no, i'm not "the dumper" either...i like to call myself "the negotiator".) anyhow, vaughn ricker broke my heart. i remember laying on my floor in my bedroom, knowing that life could not go on, and listening to my girl, whitney houston. when her "where do broken hearts go" began to play, something inside of me determined that that moment could not be forgotten. yes, you guessed it...i recorded myself, on my double cassette boombox, crying while whitney sang.

the recording was emotional...until...the sadness was interrupted by a knock on the door and my father saying, "Carrie, it's time for dinner." apparently, he wasn't aware of the emotional healing taking place, the first heartbreak being documented, and clearly, he had no respect for some good ol' whitney houston.