whirlwind

life is just that right now- everything is flying in every which direction. i am holding on for dear life. i am trusting. i am holding and i am trusting and i am confident that i will stand. i'd love to tell you the whole story right now. but i barely have the energy to acknowledge it. i'm going to bed early tonight and bracing myself for a week. i am praying for courage, wisdom, and strength- all of which, i know God will provide.

vision

that's what i need today. fresh vision. i feel like i'm seeing my life the way i was seeing the eye chart after my concussion a couple of weeks ago. i could see it- my eyes were still working- but there was this funky blur that i kept trying to blink away.

i need eyes that see...not only the challenges of the day, the blessings of the day, the goodness that surrounds me, but that see what is before me...precisely, with patience and wisdom. i know. i know. i'm asking for a lot. but today i need a boost- i need a glimpse of the promises that i believe are for my future. i need to see the path that i should begin to plow. i am confident that i am where i am for a reason, but i believe that it is time for a change. and in order to make the change- i have to see more clearly.

Eid Mubarak

Sigh...a breath of fresh, new air. A breath of release. I don't know if you'd understand even if I could find the words to express what I am feeling. There is really no way for you to know unless you have lived within my spirit for this lifetime. The past 30 days have been new life to me. They have been restoration and healing. They have been peace and joy and love. They have been faith, support, and forgiveness.

I am grateful for the incredible mercies of God. I am grateful for the opportunity and health to be able to observe this religious month of fasting. I have learned so much. I have gained an appreciation and respect for something that I did not know much about. I have grown in my faith. I have received healing from years of hiding from God- out of fear that He may disappoint me or hurt me. I could not trust- so I existed and tried to fall under the spiritual radar. My faith, that was/is such a huge part of me, starved while I wondered why. I wanted it restored but was running from the very source of my faith- my hope.

I feel like I am starting fresh today. With a new hand dealt...with a brand new opportunity for life and happiness. My circumstances have not changed, but my heart has.

Eid Mubarak!

"In the Name of God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

Praise be to God, Lord of the Universe.

Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

Master of the Day of Judgment.

You alone we worship, You alone we ask for help.

Guide us in the right path:

The path of those whom You blessed;

not of those who have deserved wrath, nor of the strayers."

day 27

a busy day. i'm beat. was supposed to go to see Lady Gaga tonight...not in the Ramadan plan so had to pass. lol. still holding on for some answers. i pray they come.

goodnight.

day 26

"Allah, on this day, make my efforts worthy of appreciation, and my sins forgiven, my deeds accepted, my flaws concealed, O the best of those who hear."

As Ramadan comes to a close, I am sensitive to being sure that I remain as focused as I possibly can. I am still holding out for some breakthroughs. I'm not sure how to explain it or put it into words...

This prayer today was very real to me. There were very specific situations that I anticipated today and I felt this was right on time. I don't feel like I was able to follow through though. I am reminding myself...again...to trust God. If I say it to myself once, I say it a dozen times a day...trust God. Trust God. Trust God. I wish I could say more tonight- something that is profound and encouraging to someone...but I can't.

God, hear me. God, who hears and gives me ears to hear....hear my cry, hear my plea, hear my need. You are the best of those who hear...allow my spirit, which knows God and the spirit of God, to understand Your ways and Your thoughts. Make my efforts worthy of YOUR appreciation. I was created for YOU. Help me to trust YOUR plan. God, hear me. God, who hears and gives me ears to hear....hear my cry, hear my plea, hear my need.

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint. Teach me Lord, Teach me Lord to wait."

day 22

I've cried alot in the last few weeks. I mean...where I've tried to answer a question from someone and can barely choke back the tears. I've been sitting on my bed or brushing my teeth...and I just start crying. I'm sensitive these days...lol. Extra sensitive.

Tonight, I was talking to a brother- a spiritual brother- and could barely hold it together as I tried to tell him a couple of things that definitely did not merit tears. He was asking me what I had learned during my fast, what made me decide to fast, etc. All I could say was "with sacrifice comes blessing and I really need a blessing."

My blessing is coming in so many ways...I recognize the healing that is taking place. The healing of years of pent up pain. Pain that I held on to so tightly for fear that it might multiply. Pain that became a burden I was sure was safer to carry then to set it down. Healing for a soul that was so strong but so tired.

I am almost sad to see this fast come to a close. I am so grateful for these past few weeks. I couldn't even begin to express my thoughts...but my spirit understands. My spirit understands. And it is good.

"Allah, on this day, open for me the doors of your grace, send down on me its blessings, help me towards the causes of your mercy and give me a place in the comforts of Paradise, o the One who answers the call of the distressed."

day 21

"which of the Lord's marvels can you deny?"


"His love endures forever..."

(sidenote before i even get started...i have been jotting down lines or passages that speak to me during my readings. that way, should i get distracted throughout the day or not feel like writing, i am still reminded of the words that jumped out at me for one reason or another. today- these two lines were repeated over a dozen times each....think there's a message? :) WHICH OF THE LORD'S MARVELS CAN YOU DENY? HIS LOVE...ENDURES FOREVER. shaking my head...and writing these words on my heart so that i will remember them all day.)

I was in the bathroom this morning...before you panic on this being tmi...hear me out...and I thought about where I was going to pray this morning. Strange, I suppose, but for some reason, this is what I was thinking. The random thought then crossed my mind of praying in the bathroom...this was not a consideration for me this morning, really...but keep following my thought process. I'm painting a picture (I'm standing in front of my sink at this time). In that moment, I was reminded of the hours that I spent on the bathroom floor, with puddles of tears around me, crying out to God in prayer...pleading with Him to hear my cries and save my marriage.

I remember as clear as day, the first night in our new apartment. We had just returned from a honeymoon in Bermuda (this is a story in itself) and had barely unpacked the suitcases. For some reason- could've been anything- it was getting cloudy or I had put the glasses on the right side of the sink instead of the left side- who knows- Andrew became furious. He went on a rampage through the apartment- throwing my clothes out of the freshly organized drawers, tossing my suitcases, slamming doors, and yelling that he didn't want me...I should just follow my family, who had moved the day after my wedding, to California. That night was the first of many, that I spent laying on the bathroom floor. The nights that proceeded lasted for years- nights of complete desperation. Nights of wondering how I could possibly have made the decision to marry such an awful person. Nights of calling out to God to somehow do something...change him...change me...anything...teach me how to bear the burden and not be weak...crying to Him to keep my head above water because I was sinking deeper daily.

5 years later, maybe a week after I exercised the courage to leave him, I was sitting at one of the pastor's homes in Florida. His wife sat across from me with utter disgust on her face and belittled me, scorned me, and scolded me as to how I should be ashamed and should just pray for my husband. I sat there with a cup of tea in my hand.

I could see the lake through the windows behind her.

I wanted to throw my cup of tea in her face.

I wanted to get up and punch her square in the head...

I wanted to scream.

I wanted to do anything other than what I was doing at that moment as she continued to ramble off judgment. When she felt she said enough, I looked at her and said, "You will never know the hours, the days...and the nights, that I have spent calling out to God. I have prayed for my husband. I have prayed for me. I have prayed that anything and everything would save me from this day. My prayers were not answered." I kindly thanked her for the tea and left.

For years, I wondered why my prayers were not answered. I struggled with how someone who read God's Words, was daily immersed in His presence, someone who had a career in teaching others about God, could not be swayed toward mercy and love. I wondered why God chose not to save my marriage- He could have. He could have caused Andrew's heart to soften. He could have changed my circumstances in just a brief moment. He could have saved me from the hurt and scorn that I received from so many. But He did not. He did not answer my prayer.

Today, I have to believe that He knows the bigger picture. His purpose for my life is so much greater. He is omniscient and His ways are so much greater than mine. Which of the Lord's marvels can I deny?

I may never again pray on the bathroom floor...but I will continue to pray. I will continue to believe that my prayers do not fall on deaf ears. And I will continue to believe that my prayers will be answered according to His will for ME~ His Love Endures Forever...

day 20

....God is my unwavering support.



Open the doors of Heaven to me and lock the doors of hell...

These are my words for today. My prayer and my promise. Unwavering support. I feel blessed today.

I am so torn on something today...I'm a lover not a fighter and boy oh boy...I am fighting not to love for some reason. I am praying for rest on this before I finish this fast. Trusting that every path will be made clear...that my eyes would see and my ears would hear.

Walking by faith. Trusting. Believing.

Goodnight

day 19

i'm holding on for dear life. i'm going to finish this- no doubt. but life does not stop for our spiritual journeys- our little retreats of absolute focus. instead, we are forced to prioritize the struggles- the wrestling between flesh and blood and spiritual things. that my friends, is not easy. not even a little bit.

then again, who said anything in life is easy? can't say i've ever heard that before. life is a series of challenges- races- fights- mountains and valleys. the fact that we are here to participate and travel through it is a blessing...

i am counting my blessings today. i am reminding myself of the absolute goodness in my life. i am believing that more blessings are to come...more good things. those breaks that i really need have got to be on the way. the last heat waves of summer are rolling through and i long for a refreshing breeze...my soul longs for it. and for that reason, i know it will come. it has got to come....and come quickly.

with sacrifice comes blessing.

day 18

day 18...what shall i say of thee? :) the last couple of days have been hard. real hard. i've been thirsty, lethargic, and a little bit down. kept busy yesterday- enjoyed time with a friend last evening. today- well, hoped that the sun would set as soon as possible. with the practicalities mentioned- i will tell you that i am finding my feet on solid ground.

prayer changes things. maybe we don't see the big requests met immediately- and maybe that's often because they aren't supposed to be...we often pray for things that are not in our best interest. i am thankful that i have not been forgotten. i am encouraged daily by the provisions of God...by His mercies in my life...His long-suffering and gentle reminders.

i am excited to see what more i have to glean from this journey...12 more days with this discipline. but confident the journey will not end there.

day 16

the past couple of days have been busy...i've been caught up in real life and trying to simply keep my mind right...focused on what is good and right...focused on what i can control and trusting for all of the other things to come to fruition in due time.

on tuesday morning, over breakfast, i was chatting with someone about what i've noticed so far in my reading of the Quran. i mentioned that so much was focused on repeating the necessity of worshipping only one God- the true God. i've noticed that the Quran repeats things alot...specifically the things that i have thought to myself were fairly obvious. assumed.

tonight, i am sitting here...after briefly chatting with a dear friend who is going through something so tragic. something so great. i couldn't even for a second think of my own trials because she is bearing a burden for her and her family that is overwhelming. after chatting, i was overwhelmed with this reminder..."there is no one greater than God." obvious. assumed. but so easily forgotten...so easily overlooked. so overshadowed by our circumstances. but when realized...it is overwhelming.

i am in awe as i sit here tonight...my trials, my burdens, my heavy heart could not begin to compare to the greatness of my God. there is no one greater than God. there is no one bigger, more powerful, more merciful, more gracious, more generous, more loving and kind...than God. there is no one wiser. there is no one better for me to trust than God. i stand on what i know tonight and understand why these phrases are repeated time and again throughout the Quran. it must sink into our being...into our soul. it must be the one thing that we know when all else wavers.

there is no one greater than God.

day 13

i have been reading from a site that has 30 daily Ramadan prayers- today, one of the lines in the prayer was "make me patient over events that are decreed." sigh. i accept that- difficult to do, but i accept that.

my reading today was like life to me. living, breathing words that spoke directly to me. encouraged me. made me smile with gratitude. my reading from the Quran was mainly about Moses. God had a task for him to do- a plan for his life- and Moses was afraid. he felt inferior. he wondered how he would be able to do what was being asked of him. God reminded him of how he had gotten this far...how his life was spared and how miraculously he was shown mercy for his own mistakes. He said, "I have made you just for Me."

sometimes, it takes being reminded that even in our own self-sufficiency- our own independence- we are granted the gift of life and not for our own purpose but for something much greater. i was created for Him. every trial, every blessing, every bit of growth, every failure, every gift of abundant mercy is not for me. every talent, every weakness, every gift...it is greater than me. i have been made just for Him. this journey...this road i'm travelling on...is so that i can, at the end of the road, stand confident that i have accomplished what i was made for...for the purpose of God. for the pleasure of God. for the will of God. if i fail to realize this daily- i am living in vain.

this humbles me. my purpose is so much greater than me. i long to walk with purpose- for every step i take to be ordered before i have even put my foot on the ground. when we walk in this way- it is impossible to fear. it is impossible to be anxious, because we realize that we were not created for ourselves, but for God. and God does all things well.

"Be at rest once more, oh my soul, for the Lord has been good to you." psalm 116

"How can I repay the Lord for all His goodness to me?" psalm 116

"Give thanks to the Lord for He is good...His love endures forever." psalm 118

scattered thoughts today, i know. but this is my journey. my spiritual journey and this is day 13. a day filled with peace- a day that was filled with deep thoughts but still productive and peaceful. i trusted today...believe it or not. i rested...in the knowledge that His ways are better than mine. i must believe that.

day 12

putting my best foot forward today- my faith, my perserverance, my strength, my hope, my confidence and my trust...knowing that He Who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it.

help me, in my unbelief...

i was walking up the street and i actually heard the words come out of my own mouth- to myself- "Carrie, you are so much stronger than this." lol. i was immediately reminded that sometimes, we HAVE to encourage ourselves, grab ourselves by the collar, shake our own shoulders a little...and remind ourselves that we are so blessed. so very, very blessed.

i am going through a deep valley. my dearest friend said today, "it has been winter for a long time." it has. it has been a dry, cold season for a while now. (i thank God that seasons change!) when i look back at where i have come from- i cannot help but lift up my head. i have had darker times- i have made it so far. and i'm stronger than yesterday. so much stronger- and now, i am reminding myself of the incredible distance i have come- the unbelievable obstacles that i have overcome. the trials that would have crumbled many- i have come through them. i have made it through some dark, dark days- and i am still standing with beauty and grace and strength and still more to give to others.

i am blessed. i have been so blessed. i am thankful. i am truly thankful. and in my weakness today, i am reminded that i am strong. i am strong because, regardless of my circumstances, in my weakness- He is made strong. my season will change. i am confident of this. i am holding on to the fact that no season lasts forever. no valley goes without an end. and i am reminding myself that my strength is so much greater than my struggle.

it all comes down to...

trust. ohhhh soooo very hard to do. i realize that this is where so many of these feelings come from- the simple idea that i am scared to death to put my life in anyone's hands. it is a daily struggle- a daily walk- to trust. right now, though, i am trusting that tomorrow has already been established for my good. that my steps are ordered and my best interest is His best interest. for right now...i trust this to be true. i believe, right now, and will remind myself- that He is omniscient and my mind cannot even conceive the thoughts that He has toward me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future.

days 9-11

i am...

i am here. i am waiting. i am wanting and needing. i am longing and praying. i am hoping. i am crying...for something more. i want desperately to run. to find myself far from this place and so many others. but running gets me no where. it gets me here- all over again.

build my faith GOD. please build my faith.

day 8

As difficult as it may be, in order to succeed, we cannot allow ourselves to be controlled by our emotions and/or our circumstances. Emotions are fleeting and often invalid; circumstances change. We must be controlled by that which is constant- that which holds us up at our core- that Anchor that holds the ship in place during the storm. That must be our guide.

I am trying desperately to do this. I want to run. I want to hide. I want to leave what I know right now. I need a break.

God speak to me. Tell me something good....

day 7

........sigh......i have nothing to say. i'm drained of all of the positivity and hope i can muster for the week, i suppose. i'm not understanding things. i'm have no control and what is my instinct to do- is not working. i keep giving- putting myself out there- even when i'm terribly afraid- even when it is against everything i've done for the past several years, but because it feels like what i should do. but it hurts. i want to run in the opposite direction- i want to call someone somewhere for a distraction. i want to put up every defense. maybe i should. maybe i shouldn't. i don't understand. i have not a single answer for this. and it takes every bit of my self-control to sit here. to be quiet. because i care.

i would like for my faith...my trust in God...the "not my will but thy will" to kick in and relieve some of the anxiety- some of the sadness. why do humans hurt humans for no reason? or for reasons we refuse to explain? how do we forget somehow how we would want to be treated? with honesty and respect? with something rather than nothing?

i want a glass of wine. i want to cry. i cannot do either.

goodnight.

day 6

i don't really know what to say about today. i worked hard to try and keep some sort of reign on my thoughts...worked for some things, i suppose. what i have on my mind is just real life stuff. job, relationships, direction, family....you know, the things that you so desire to have in order, but rarely do. i feel little inspiration tonight. i feel very unspiritual. i feel a little bit detached. i feel like fasting today didn't do much for my soul. but then again...that is specifically what i didn't like about church...the fact that half the time it was based on feeling. wow. guess you can tell i hadn't organized these thoughts before writing them.

regardless of how i feel then...this is what i know. i am confident in my faith in God. i am sure that my sacrifice will be blessed...somehow. i am at peace instead of at war with my mind today. that alone is growth.

i have alot on my mind now...alot to ponder. alot to pray about. so as boring as this may sound to you tonight, whoever you are :), i'm going to bed.

day 5

"when i said my foot is slipping, oh Lord, your love supported me.

when anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."

"do not argue God with me, when He is the one who has guided me."

"Allah, on this day, place me among those who seek forgiveness. Place me among your righteous and obedient servants, and place me among your close friends, by your kindness, oh Merciful One."

This is how my day began. With words of encouragement, confidence, and a sincere request. I jotted the notes above after my reading early this morning. Every morning, I have been making my way through the Quran and then reading portions from the Bible. I really can't tell you what a blessing this time is. This morning, I didn't have a lot to write, so I figured I would save what spoke to me and then come back to it.

As good and strong and confident and hopeful as I have felt in the last couple of days, it was a surprise to me today that when I woke up for the second time- I felt terribly alone. Sad. Heavy. Burdened. I felt like I was on the verge of tears and my mind was racing with invalid thoughts that did not belong in my home, let alone my heart. I missed a call from a friend and when I called her back- she said that she was thinking about me so much this morning and that there was part of a book that she was reading she just had to share with me. Without her going any further, I was already in tears. I wasn't alone. In my own, small apartment where nobody knew the burden I was carrying this morning, God had heard my cry.

I read the part of the book that she wanted me to read and wondered how the writer had known my thoughts when she sat to write her bestseller. She talked about faith. She talked about devotion. She talked about how faith is running head first into the dark- "pre-accepting the terms of the universe and embracing in advance what I am presently incapable of understanding." She insisted on not wanting something other than faith- an "insurance policy" of sorts- but simply wanting God. "I just want God. I want God inside me. I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water." She talked about deliberate prayers and taking control of those things that we can choose, specifically our thoughts...

Listen to what she said-

"So I've started being vigilant about watching my thoughts all day, and monitoring them. I repeat this vow about 700 times a day: 'I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore.' The first time I heard myself say this, my inner ear perked up at the word 'harbor', which is a noun as well as a verb. A harbor, of course, is a place of refuge, a port of entry. I pictured the harbor of my mind- a little beat-up, perhaps, a little storm-worn, but well situated and with a nice depth. The harbor of my mind is an open bay, the only access to the island of my Self (which is a young and volcanic island, yes, but fertile and promising). This island has been through some wars, it is true, but it is now committed to peace, under the new leader (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the place. And now- let the word go out across the seven seas- there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor.

You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague ships of thoughts, with your slave ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts- all these will be turned away. Likewise, any pamphleteers, mutineers and violent assassins, desperate prostitues, pimps and seditious stowaways- you may not come here anymore either. Cannibalistic thoughts, for obvious reasons, will no longer be received. Even missionaries will be screened carefully, for sincerity. This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquility. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thougths, then you are welcome in my mind- otherwise, I shall turn you all back toward the see from whence you came."

:) I have read a dozen times this week, so far, "Do not harbor doubt". Doubt, simply being the source or the seed of all of the other unhealthy thoughts that I have been fighting. I have read again and accept the gentle reminder that it is necessary to control my thoughts. I was so encouraged. I was so incredibly supported by the love of God early in my day. I prayed a prayer asking God to place me among the righteous, among the obedient, among His close friends...and He answered my prayer almost immediately with the voice of an obedient friend. "When my foot was slipping, He supported me with His love."

His word was on time today. It always is...I'm just not usually paying attention to the clock. "Do not argue God with me, when He is the One who guides me...."

So, I'm closing down Day 5- encouraged. Belly full of Lamb Stew. Green tea in hand. Good music playing and...an answered prayer.

GNARLS BARKLEY - WHO'S GONNA SAVE MY SOUL LIVE ON ABBEY ROAD

you look at me and wonder
you see my head held high
you think i have no struggle
i've done nothing to get by
you shake your head and try
to follow after MY prize...
but..

you can't see what's in me
how the beauty comes from pain
you don't know the struggle
how much strength i've had to gain
if my head's held high
if my eyes are dry
if my heart is not heavy
then this journey
is not in vain

you can wonder
you can look and try to see
but don't judge my journey
don't try to be me
this walk is mine
it's the only thing i own
my pain
my strength
my joy
my gain

my home

in your haste
you want to steal my peace

you want a prize
without a price

a victory
without a fight

look at your journey
try to hold your head high
look at your struggle
don't wonder why
worry about your life
fight your fight
it's the only thing you own
what you envy-
will never be your home
so don't run after my joy
don't hate
find your own place
your own fate

this journey is mine.

day 4

"Why do you sacrifice what is good for what is inferior?"

I am reminding myself of this everyday- so that I am encouraged and motivated. It is so tempting and so easy to accept what is simply comfortable. To nestle into easy living. To take the road that is well travelled. To accept what is most desirable in the now. Oh God, remind me to strive for what is best. Remind me, when I am in the midst of my struggle, to not only press on until the pain subsides- but to press on confidently toward the prize. Remind me not to just NOT give up, but to fight to win. Help me not to compromise for what is easiest. But to persevere for what is best. And when the struggle lessens, help me not to lose focus.

"Do not grow tired in doing what is right for in DUE season- you will reap if you do not faint."

day 3

I am so tired today. I went to the Redskins preseason game last night, with Dave, my cousin Nicci's husband. He was in town on business and since it was a Bills game, I knew he'd be thrilled to go. I understand why some people don't go out much during Ramadan- it's hard to explain, but it's almost like the very things that are beginning to settle in your heart are sucked out by distractions. Oh, how easily distracted we are.

I worked today and then broke my fast with a dear brother. He is always an encouragement to me. Now, I am home and cannot wait for my day tomorrow- a day with no demands. A day for me. I am craving it.

I made the mistake of not getting up early today to eat and spend time reading and in prayer. It is really necessary to make the day. The fast is going well....lol, grant it, I am only 3 days in. However, I am confident that at the end of this, I will be a different person...a change will have taken place.

As you can see, I have no creativity tonight- no tricky statements or catchy phrases. :) I'm beat. I want to close my eyes and not move off of my couch except into my bed. The following are things that have been in my head today or have jumped out in my readings~

• Do not harbor any doubts.
• Do not be anxious for anything, but in everything, through prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known to the lord. (This filled my mind as I was walking Chloe today- just as I was thinking how I was tired of feeling anxious...thankful for this reminder.)
• Not my will...but THY will be done. (Been fighting this one all day- not wanting to say it with complete sincerity.)
• You were given victory, despite your weakness. (Beautiful...so beautifully true. I am thankful for my blessings. I have made it through- a conqueror, a victor, a winner...not because of me, but in spite of me. So grateful.)

Goodnight.

day 2

i don't have a lot to say this morning. my thoughts have no rhyme or reason, really. i am content though. yesterday was a good day...a day of letting some walls down- quietly- within my heart and mind. i know this will continue today. i am humbled. i am open to something other than my own will and my own desires. simple to say, but so hard to do. not my will, but thy will be done...

this month is about the spiritual journey...a journey that we are all on every day...but rarely take the time to acknowledge and embrace. i pray my eyes- my spiritual eyes- will be open...today and everyday, so that i can grow beyond what i am capable of doing on my own.

GOD

Yesterday, this thought came to me...so big in my mind, but nearly impossible for me to express in words..."Who is God outside of religion?" I have an incredible belief in God- a respect and fear of His presence. A desire to be like Him and see His attributes demonstrated through me. I have always believed...for as long as I can remember, there was never a time that I doubted His existence.

I grew up in a very religious home. Religious rules. Religious practices. Religious activities. Religious songs. Religious books. Religious schools. Religious College. Religious degree. Religious. Period. Undeniably, I formed my specific ideas about God around this religion. Although, I was never one to believe God to be in a box of rules and man-made interpretations...it is impossible to think that I could have formed my ideas any other way, really. It was how I grew up. It was engrained in me.

When I left the church, 8 years ago, I was leaving pain. I was leaving backbiting, hypocrisy, closed-mindedness, judgment...and a slew of other things that disgusted me. Hurt me, really. I couldn't understand how such a gracious, loving Father could be indicated by such destruction. When I left the church...somehow, my understanding was that in doing that...I had to "kindof" leave God. Because if I continued to be close to Him, I would have to remain in what I did not want...church, religion, fake talk. So, I kept God at a distance. My heart did not grow cold...my belief did not waiver, but I put growing on hold. It seemed necessary in order to protect myself from the things that had beat me up year after year.

I would never, ever, ever tell you that God was confined to a religion. I believe God to be so much greater- so much bigger. But I think that that is exactly what my small mind has done. My fear of a "religion" or a "church" or a "practice" somehow got all jumbled up in my mind- as a fear of God.

So, I wonder...and I will strive to learn, especially this month...who is God? Who is He- outside of these things that have influenced my thinking? How can I embrace Him? How can I grow in His grace and guidance? How can I know Him outside of a specific church with its own interpretations? Who is God outside of religion? Who is God outside of the boundaries that cause one to look at another and consider he or she lost? Who is God outside of the radical thinkings that cause wars? Who is God without the boxes that make Him only approve of certain practices and not of others? Who does the individual in a far away land, with no knowledge of organized religion, believe God to be? Without the boundaries of a church or a set of rules, without the influence of someone else's belief, who does man, at his core, believe God to be? I refuse to believe that we cannot believe without religion. I refuse to believe that we cannot reach God without a vehicle that has a specific description. That would simply go against everything that I believe about God. That would make God far too small.

If I can solidify my belief...if I can increase my faith...if I can find healing from the wounds of religion and hold tight to my belief and love for God...then maybe, I can renegotiate, reconsider my relationship with religion....maybe. Just maybe.

30 days

I am starting my walk through Ramadan. Not because I have decided to claim a religious sector as my own or because I want to join a group of people...but because this 30 days of fasting comes at a time when I cannot turn it down. I am searching. For answers. For understanding. For peace. For patience. For so much more than I can find on my own- while in the midst of my normal routine, surrounded by my normal influences. I am in need of a sort of freedom that can only come from sacrifice. I am in need of a spiritual vulnerability that will allow for me to dig deeper than I have been able to in quite some time. I am in need...quite simply. I am in great need.

I acknowledge that need. I acknowledge that I am lacking. I acknowledge that what I can do in my own strength is just not good enough. There is so much missing in my life. As blessed as I am, there is an incredible void that has to be filled. This month...I want to allow room for that to be filled. I want to clear the distractions- I want to quiet the voices- the good intentioned voices and hear only that still small voice.

This struggle is mine. It is the one thing that I own. My life. My experience. My race. My battle. My win. My loss. My gain. My joy. My pain. I have come so much closer to being who I was created to be...I have come so far...but the journey continues and there are strongholds that still weigh me. Anchors that hang in the pit of my very core. I pray, with deep sincerity, that these 30 days will find me and my willingness to discover and to grow.

feeling

i've said it before...and here i am again...hating this sense...this "feeling". i wish i could make it disappear- control myself enough to determine when i want to and when i don't want to feel. to flip the switch that turns off the hurt and makes the questions disappear. i am weak today. again. i want to believe this weakness is a strength...somehow...someday...to believe that my heart- my sense of feel- will not only strengthen others, but strengthen me. but i can't feel that...i can't find that part of the feeling. i can only feel the emptiness that makes me want to hide. the part that screams for peace of mind. where is my healing? my support? my wake up in the morning and know that someone has my back more than i do? i want that feeling. if i have to feel, then i want to know the feeling of comfort and hope. i want to know peace today. i want to know surety, security, and faith. if i have to feel...i want to feel that my pain is valid. that it is recognized and that someone believes in me more than i do. just for today. i want to feel this or feel nothing at all.

the truth is...

that sometimes it hurts. and when it hurts- you speak. you reach out to the ones that you trust. sometimes, they hear what you are saying and sometimes, when you're lucky, they hear what you are trying to say.

today, i am looking forward. period. knowing that i have given of myself. knowing that i will continue to give of myself...

it is a risk to give- but if we never take the risk, we will not know the sweet taste of victory when the cards are played in our favor. that's life- the thrill of not knowing all of the answers- but playing anyways.

i'm coming off of this weekend with my head held high. confident. i played well.

sometimes faith is simply believing that you are not alone. that somehow in the midst of whatever it is you are going through, you believe that you are surrounded by such a cloud as these...it is to look around you and know that you are blessed. that you are victorious because of the life you have been given. to know that your struggle, your experience is what has made you this strong and that same strength will be great enough to carry you through. sometimes faith is just knowing this. just believing...this. you are never alone.

"my neighbor likes where I stay...but doesn't know the price that I pay..."

peace of mind

it's the theme right now, because i need it. the mind is so unbelievably powerful- when under control- i am wise and strong and motivated. when it is weak- i am weak. i am hopeless. i am...how i am right now. on the verge of tears. stomach in knots. stress gripping my body and making my dumb siatic nerve pulse through my back, down my hips and into my leg and foot.

it's amazing...how simply we can overcome fear and obstacles...with a clear mind. and even more amazing how difficult it is to actually have one.

i've got to find peace of mind...

i know it's possible.

i walk by faith

i don't know where i'm going. i don't know what tomorrow holds. i don't know what i want or how to get there and it's the fear of the unknown. what i know is this...i have walked before with no light ahead. i have travelled a distance with no guarantee. i have woken up with hope when the sky seemed to be falling...and at the end of the day...i stood. i stood strong, firm and undefeated. it's this memory of the walk that reminds me that no fear is too great. no storm is too strong. no trial too great. the fact that i made it once gives me hope that i'll make it again. that's how i walk...by faith. by hope that this time will not be unlike the last- when my foot hits the ground, i won't be disappointed. i travel, i live, i walk...by faith.

peace of mind...

"He says it's impossible, but I know it's possible..."

Listening to Lauryn Hill now- Unplugged.

"I've got to find peace of mind...."

"You've made my desire pure..."

"You inspire me to be the higher me."

"Touch my mouth with your Hands..."

Merciful, merciful, merciful God.

need someone

Today is hard. Real hard. The lump in my throat isn't gone. I need someone. I really do. I need someone to share my burdens. I'm tired of doing it alone.

i wonder

i need a good cry. i feel the lump in my throat. my eyes well up with tears. i prepare myself to run somewhere, to let it go, and then nothing...

my eyes dry up. i feel naseous instead.

i wonder...
if i've cried all my tears.

heeeeeeeerrrrrrrre we go...

I'm waking up this morning- thankful. Life is so damn interesting. I got away last week- sailed the Western Caribbean. Everyone asked why I wasn't taking anyone with me. I can't tell you how much I needed to get away. It was just what I needed. A break from the conflict. I'm looking forward to today.

in a nutshell...

It seems necessary that I should stop and reflect for a minute. I have done so internally, but I feel like putting it in writing makes it more official. I cannot begin to tell you how extremely grateful I am for this place in my life. I have been blessed immeasurably and have come so far. I keep hearing people say, "Ten years ago, I was..." I'm chuckling to myself, because ten years ago for me was another life. I was in an abusive marriage- absorbed with grief almost on a daily basis. I lived a life of walking on eggshells and wondering what I would do or not do that would set the fire off. I would challenge myself to be tougher- to hold back the tears when I was publicly humiliated or somehow not do what he wanted after he'd push me out of a moving car because I was late from a hair appointment. That was ten years ago...a lifetime ago.

It's funny, because if I could pick one thing that I accomplished in 2009 it would be this...rediscovering my self-worth. Gaining back my confidence and value as a woman, a human being. It's amazing that, really, this took the past decade to regain. I continually remind myself of this- after all that I have been through, every valley, every trial, every sorrow, every joy- I have been blessed to have my right mind. I have been blessed to have a second chance and to be able to face that opportunity as a healthy, strong, and happy woman.

We can never expect where this journey will take us. Life has a mind of its own. We have to roll with the punches- take every step in stride and know that if it's been given to us, there is a reason and an opportunity for growth. I could never have imagined, in 2000, that I would make it out. I am blessed. I am incredibly blessed. My life is full. I look forward to 2010 with a bit of giddiness and expectancy- I am confident that this year is going to be icing on the cake for me. I realize more than ever before that I am capable of happiness. 2009 was an incredible year- it was hard at times, but overall, fulfilling and extremely productive. I was able to get back so much of what was born in me. For that, I can't even begin to express my gratitude. Life is good, my friends. Even when it isn't. It's good. It's breath and opportunity. Embrace it. Believe me when I tell you- I know.