the ride

i did exactly what i felt i needed to do last night. i went to my favorite little spot in DC, with my pen and journal, and a glass of wine. it was a night of reflection- just me and me...and according to my horoscope...it's just what i was supposed to do. "sit down at the negotiation table with you and you and focus on your goals. this will alleviate the internal struggle you are facing."

i thought that i would be attempting to find peace and de-stress. instead, i found myself already at peace and deeply inspired. i found out, yesterday, that my ex-husband just got married. i don't have the time to delve into how bizarre this is to me. but it is. it really made me think- reflect and remember how far i have come since those days- those hard days. yes, i am dealing with some drama issues right now, but the realization of my confidence and determination to settle for nothing less than the best for me- made me sit up proudly last night. i am unbelievably grateful for the opportunities that i have been given to make decisions that are good for me. for years, i felt remorse over bad decisions. i felt like a failure because i knew better, but chose worse. this ride that i am on is teaching me so much. i am so excited that i am in a place where i have the strength and confidence to do what i know is best.

today, i will take care of the situation that i mentioned yesterday. i feel good about it. i feel at peace about just being real and doing what is best for me. i feel confident that he will understand my sincerity. and really...i hope that he is motivated to be better and do the same for himself. i know, this sounds naiive...extremely hopeful...but i do hope. i continue to hope...even when this ride takes me where i don't expect to go. hope motivates me and to be honest...i haven't yet been disappointed in believing.

trying to find a way...

somehow, i seem to find myself in the most peculiar situations. in the middle of it, i wonder how i got there and how the hell i am supposed to get out. i've done this a few times before and always say that i never make the same mistake twice. i may make a mistake because of the same core issue, but never the same mistake twice. well, this week, my dilemma is all new to me and i don't know how to find my way out.

i met someone a few weeks ago. we have been spending time together since and i have enjoyed his company. there were a couple of things that concerned me a little and reminded me to tread lightly- his age (he's younger than me), his ex (she's certifiably crazy), and the possibility of him drinking too much, too often (i figured i would find this out over time- in an attempt to not be judgmental). in getting to know him, i have found many things that i like about him. i have taken to him quickly. he comes from a dear family, he is sincere and caring, he is very responsive and has been nothing but a gentleman. we enjoy each other and have had fun spending time together.

last week, i met some of his friends- one in particular that gave me a very bad vibe. funny enough, he told me that this particular friend told him to watch out for me- he didn't like me. no problem, not fishy for someone to not like me- i can accept that. however, this guy is shady. he's older (much older than my friend) and he has trouble written all over him. i felt it as soon as i met him. i 100% believe that, because i am wise to his game or whatever you want to call it, he immediately had negative feelings about me. again, no problem; however, this concerned me because this is the circle that my friend runs with.

so, i continue to spend time with this man. he was in my home yesterday- he spent the night. he needed something from his bag and asked me to grab it- then suddenly changed his mind. i wasn't worried about this, mainly because i didn't care to go through his stuff anyhow. he continued to tell me that he had something in his bag that i would not approve of- maybe because he thought i would look anyhow- i'm not sure. well, he's right- i don't approve. i don't approve and i am trying to find a way to back track.

my suspicions were right about the people he runs with and now, i don't know how to get myself out of this situation and out of it quickly. i am nervous. i am by myself and do not in anyway want to be involved in this type of thing. i am worried about the combination of the issues involved and am not sure how to deal with it. he drinks too much. he runs with a bad crowd. he carries a gun.

should i talk to him honestly and share that, although, i like him, i am uncomfortable with this lifestyle and can't be a part of it? i have dealt with these issues before, but never with someone that i was involved with. it was always with the parents of the children that i worked with- in that situation, i never worried about myself because these parents appreciated my time with their children and knew that i cared deeply about them and their families. this is different. i had no idea that this was what i was getting myself into. i know that this man likes me and has said on several occasions that he knows i am a "good person", with good intentions. will he understand my concerns and accept my exit?

help.

beauty becomes her

she played with her babies, her barbies, her dresses, and fancy shoes. she surrounded herself with pretty and pretty became her. she listened to them say how her eyes were so blue and her hair so fine. she heard them say, "you look like your mommy" and her mom was just so...so beautiful.

she grew a bit...not grown...but growing...changing, developing...and pretty became her. her eyes still so blue and her hair still fine. her babies and barbies turned to boys and still beauty enticed her. she listened to them say they liked her...she wondered why. they didn't know she was fun and smart and kind.

not quite a woman and no longer a girl...still pretty dresses and fancy shoes...but added to her beauty were so many things only she knew. no one seemed to see these- she wanted to give them, but could not seem to please. her beauty...the pretty...became her, but hid her from being seen by those looking for all she could give. they chased and they touched- they reached for the pretty- they took from the pretty- they stole from the pretty til she lost sight of the beauty she believed to become her.

beautiful body, beautiful mind, beautiful spirit- all of the kind that draws one soul in and brings healing to the mind..but she couldn't see it, she couldn't feel it, didn't know it at all. all she could see was the pulling, the tugging, the groping, the taking of her total inside. she'd been robbed of her beauty, her youth, her gift, her innocence- it did not become her- she had to hide.

slowly she began to see the truth behind the beauty she still believed in- it wasn't the pretty dresses, the fancy shoes, the blue eyes, the hair, the body or the way she walked around- turning heads and grabbing the eyes of the men looking as blind as they knew how to- at the width of her hips or the curve of her breasts. she knew it wasn't the way that she moved and hypnotized the sexed up man in her bed. it wasn't the pull that she caused when he walked by her- smelling her, needing her, and feeling he couldn't get there fast enough. this beauty was not the beauty she knew to become her- and that was beautiful in itself.

she believed in the power within her. she was confident that she could go anywhere, be anyone, and do anything, see anything, hear anything, and face anything before her. she knew the kindness and passion that exuded from her strengths. she realized the inner struggle that she was sure she could overcome. she knew the future that was hers, as long as she was faithful to follow after it. she saw the gift that she continually gave to those around her- her ear, her shoulder, her love, her strength, and her willingness to share what was within her. her faith was inspiring and her courage motivating. her spirit wanted more and that was beauty. that was beauty that she knew deserved more than a pull, a tug, or a grope. it was beauty that deserved the soul of someone beautiful enough to become her.

it's okay- just breathe

The past few months have been a whirlwind- new home, new job, new friends, new city, new life. I have been thoroughly enjoying myself and have to say that I have barely taken a chance to sit back and enjoy the new scenery...of my life. It has been such a change from the past 10 years that I haven't wanted to pause- afraid that it might go away.

Yesterday, I felt the strong need for focus. I feel like it is finally time for me to sit down and breathe- and that it's okay to do it. I have been so busy doing things that involve everyone else- not in a negative way- just busy going out, being with friends, dating, etc. I have neglected spending time with me. There are so many things that need my attention and these things will provide growth. So, I'm not trying to change my new world- I'm just at a place where I feel comfortable making it balance.

My job needs more of my attention. Things are going very well, but they could be going better. So, I am going to work more. I need to start saving money. So, I am going to spend less. I want to focus on my passions- writing, music, and volunteering. So, I am going to give more of my time to these things. I am excited about this. I am going to stop dating people that I don't enjoy or see any sort of future with. For some reason, I have been giving people more chances than I am happy to give. The time that I will save with people I don't enjoy will be time that can be focused on my growth.

So, this post is not about great creativity- it is about real stuff. It is about what I finally feel- comfort with happiness. Before, it scared me and I was afraid it would leave. My life has been so filled with crap that I have been nervous that normalcy would not last. I'm not sure that it won't, but my life is finally so much more stable than it has ever been. I am grateful and I really believe that I have the power to keep it as close to this as possible....but I have to focus. So, here it goes. Wish me luck.

thankful

I am so thankful today. I am thankful for a fresh start. I am thankful for another chance to live. I am thankful for the great privilege of being happy. I am thankful for my friends, my sisters, my family, my job, my home. I am thankful for the overwhelming reality of my new life. I am thankful that there is always a way out of the hard times that we find ourselves in. I am thankful for our resilience and the strength that we find to hope even when we feel like all hope is gone. I am thankful for the courage that we find to make decisions that are difficult, but life-changing. I am thankful for truth and love. I am thankful for the motivation I feel to be better. I am thankful for the grace that I've been shown and want to share with others. I am thankful for so many things this morning- and surprisingly, I am thankful for me.