I had to hide from this blog for a while. It is amazing how the internet effects our lives. I was going through a pretty big ordeal with a former job and basically, anything and everything could and would be used against me. I guess that's the price for sharing your honesty and humanity. But here I am now, dying to share...today, I don't even know what I want to share, but I am taking advantage of my freedom. I have a wealth of things to do today. I have a number of people to talk to and places to go. However, what is weighing on my mind is what I cannot do. What I have no control over. Trust God. I am telling myself this today. God is faithful. I have not seen Him fail yet. I have not seen the righteous forsaken yet. I have not heard Him tell a lie yet. So, today, I lean on His sturdiness. I lean on His strength. There is nothing too big for God. Remember that today- if you remember nothing else. Encourage yourself. God is a great God who is moved by His people. Peace.

Open the eyes of my heart, Lord...

For just a minute, I need to write about how grateful I am for the grace of God. I remember a time when my heart was so afraid...so hardened...so guarded...so cold. For someone looking from the outside in, depending on the stage of my life, some of these things would seem far-fetched. I have been on the mountain top of my faith, where I did not waver. The storms were fierce, but my faith was strong. I have been at a place where the tender love of my heavenly Father sustained me when the nights were so dark. I have also been in the valley...where my faith seemed as distant as the mountain top. Where my cries seemed to be falling on deaf ears and my only hope was in my own strength to wake up in the morning.

I have laid in my bed...for years...wondering why God had forgotten me. Wondering why He had removed Himself from me and why my enemies prospered while I laid in torment. I have lived on my own doing. I have acted in my own shallow wisdom and the advice from my peers. I have trusted my own strength more than that of my Creator. I have believed that I would only see as much happiness or experience as much joy as I could create.

I have forgotten the promises of God for temporary moments of weakness. I have ignored the promise of joy unspeakable. I have forsaken the call of God and annointing on my life to touch multitudes of people. I have suffocated my gifts until they were all but a distant memory.

But then grace somehow came along and gently gathered me up...as if my ignorance and hopelessness was was not even noticed. My lack of faith and sadness treated as if they were completely understood. Despite my knowledge, I was not treated as my sins deserved. For this, I am eternally grateful.

To sit here now, after many many years, and to believe in full confidence that my hope is truly in Christ Jesus is a place I wondered if I would ever be able to return to. And as I reflect, I realize that my faith is stronger. My position in Christ is undeniable. I am a stronger vessel...a more effective tool in God's hands. His ways are perfect.

I am overwhelmed with gratitude and because of this, I can truly say that I do not fear the future. I am not scared to let go of something in an effort to let God have His way. Today, I am crying out for His wisdom. For His sufficient grace. For the guidance of His Spirit to demonstrate what I have needed for so long. I believe His promises...that God is not a man that He should lie. I believe that my ways are not His and my hands on the steering wheel are not needed. So, today I trust and I willingly plead with Him...that the eyes of my heart would be opened. I want to see Him...and as He is revealed...enjoy every good thing that I know to be mine. Every. Good. Thing.

when you're on the right course...

i've got a lot on my mind tonight. too much to delve into and more than i'm ready to say regardless of time and topic. but i want to say this...when you are on the right course, nothing seems as tragic. nothing is as stressful. nothing causes you fear. nothing makes you doubt your every move and every other person's motive. you just move with grace and confidence...knowing that your steps are ordered by God.

family

so thankful for it. :)

blessings

i've never been one to despise or regret the tricky situations that life brings. i mean, if i had my choice on any given day, i would choose a happy one. but overall, i wouldn't want an easier way out. i'm blessed to have been placed in the times and places that i have. i can see the growth and the purpose behind so many of the hard times and feel honored that God's confidence in me has allowed me to be victorious. and by victorious, i mean...through it all...i am happy and in my right mind (if you question this, let me have my time of glory please and keep your comments to yourself :) ). satisfied or content? no, not yet. but confident that i am on my way? ALL. DAY. LONG. impatient at times? certainly. but discouraged by the journey? nope. i am confident that allllllll things work together for good. i am sure that the work that has been started in me will also be completed. when? i have no idea, but i know it will be right on time. how? boy, i wish i knew, but if i did...i'd probably screw it up somehow by jumping the gun or getting so excited that i'd run too fast.

so here's a little "cheers" this morning to waking up on the RIGHT side of the bed, to opening our eyes with hope that today is going to be exactly what is in the plan, and to the confidence that we have that no matter what comes our way, we already have what we need within us to face it.

raw truth

my creativity is not going to be a strong point this morning...my eloquence might be missing...but from the bottom of my heart, i have to speak. it is easy, sometimes, to feel tired from the journey. to wonder what the meaning of this path is. i am uncomfortable. i am wiggling in my own skin today. i wish i could put in a nutshell the scenes and thoughts that flash through my mind. the memories- the promises- the circumstances- the loves- the losses- the hope- the pain- the joy- the blessings. it is all so much- if i could compartmentalize it all or organize what i feel, i feel like i might be able to make sense of it. like a jigsaw puzzle with too many pieces. i sometimes feel like i should escape just for a moment to make sense of the years. somehow, i think it is possible and i should be able to figure it out.

i sometimes wonder if my faith or hope for the future is making me inactive. i know that there is someplace that i need to be. i don't know where. and clearly, i have no idea how to get there. i want a gps voice to tell me to turn left, go straight for 2 miles and then arrive to my destination. i want a trip cross country to take me 45 minutes. i feel like time is running faster than my progress and what if i don't have enough time.

i long to sink into happiness. i want to look to my left and to my right and see the things that my heart longs for to be settled into place. oh my god, my patience is wavering.

i re-read portions of this blog and am reminded of my longing. it is great. it is strong. it is undeniable. so where will it take me? it must take me somewhere. GOD hear my plea...lead me. i willingly ask for your guidance. whatever wherever however. lead me. my mark on this world has a larger imprint that has not yet been made. my gifts are sitting on my lap...

If your talks are better than ours. If your laughs are harder than ours. If your sex is deeper than ours. If your connection is stronger than ours...then go on. But if when you see her, you feel the pain of wondering where I am. If when she laughs, you see my smile. If when she's gone, you look for the next distraction...weep. For that is love lost.