progress

It is Monday, December 28, 2009. I am on vacation- week 2 is just beginning and I cannot tell you how badly I needed this. I have been running full speed for several months now and to just sit back, get my house in order, enjoy friends and a non-schedule has been refreshing to say the least. Besides time, I am not sure why I have not been able to write. So much is always happening- I am consistently reflecting and feeling the need to regroup and focus, but somehow I have not felt the motivation to put it on paper. Some days, I am overwhelmed with a feeling that my life is moving so quickly and I am missing opportunities to feed my passions. On other days, I am simply intrigued by the blessings in my life and the incredible growth I continue to experience. I must believe that this season is also one that I must embrace- living it to the fullest and knowing that as I develop more into the person I was created to be, I will not be able to help but fulfill my passions.

I hope to find the time this week to update you on my life- there is so much- my sister, who has now been here for 6 months; my job, which I continue to find great favor at and am busier than ever; my love life, which still is lacking any sort of commitment, but is fun nonetheless; my friends, who remind me that I can be loved; my parents, who I am still trying to find my way with. It's all good. It's all growth. It's all a reminder that life is good and every breath is a blessing...because even on the days that I hurt and feel useless, frustrated, and overwhelmed- I am a better person today than I was yesterday.

I haven't been here in a while. It's been too long. I've needed to, but I've been distracted. I've been busy. I've been occupied with this and that. I've been good...but because I've chosen to be. Life is funny. It really, really is what you make of it. I'm going to try to make this a part of my day. Nothing special- no major attempts at creativity...just life. So I can focus. So I can readjust. I'm on a 2 month journey that is just me. It starts today.

My heart is heavy today. It has been for a while and I have been wondering where I would find the release that I need. I have felt the need to write, but I haven't really known where I would begin and whether or not I would be able to make sense of it all. In this moment, I am deciding to simply write. To release the thoughts that are inside my head- with no editing or need for creativity.

I am in a valley. I am in a deep place that I can do nothing about except embrace and walk through it. It is a place that I am familiar with...I have been here before. The struggles are similar and expected but not easier...some valleys are not easier to walk through just because you've walked there before.

Looking at the details of what is happening in my life right now is enough to make some cringe a little...I've been couped up in my house for a week now. Sun poisoning that caused fever blisters to take over my face. Fun. Painful. Incredibly horrible to look at. Being stuck inside my head.

My sister is going through some very real struggles herself and I have decided that I absolutely cannot watch her continue down the path she has started. I will be bringing her back to DC with me in a couple of weeks. A change that I know she CANNOT live without. I am nervous. I want it to be a success- for her to embrace it and to change the path of her life.

My parents are completely unsupportive. Mean, even. It's as if I am not, nor ever have been, their daughter. There is less than a lack of bond between us. Their disappointment in me seems to be more like distaste.

I am daily torn between the attentions of suitors. I am scared to death to even enjoy the company of someone...afraid that I will be rejected and abandoned at any moment.

This is heaviness on my heart...this very thing...that I will continually be rejected and abandoned. I cannot explain the fear that is in my heart concerning this type of hurt. I said that I have been through this valley...this is not a place that is new to me. Not even a little bit. It is a cloud that looms over my head and heart...over the years, the sun has broken through here and there, but it always comes back. I long for the security of protecting love. I deeply hope for something to change this. I want so badly to know what is like to be able to rest and not be afraid. Not be alone.

I am so hurt by the constant rejection of my parents. I cannot begin to even put it into words how it feels to know the deep lack of love. Somehow, I continue to reach out to them. I continue to hope for some acceptance from them. Some acknowledgment. Some grace. Some kindness. It doesn't matter how much I expect their reactions and actions...it doesn't take away the sting that I feel when it happens time and again.

I love. Somehow, I continue to love. I continue to hope. I continue to look for the sun to come through the clouds. I keep looking up. I keep knowing that I will see something different ahead. But today, I cannot look ahead alone. My heart is so heavy. I need to be loved- unconditionally. With no fear that I will be left alone. I am not strong enough today to press forward without a nudge of acceptance and grace. I cannot do it alone today. My heart is so very, very heavy. My faith is so weak. My hope is wavering...and this hope is what keeps me moving forward.

I will keep moving forward. I will. I always do. I ALWAYS DO. But I will do it with a heavy heart. I will do it because it is necessary. But I don't want to do it alone anymore. I don't want to do it because I can. I want to do it because I know I am loved as deeply as I love and that the valleys are so much more bearable when someone is beside me....

the things that matter

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we may become." ~Charles Dubois

This challenge, though not easy, has always been my greatest hope...that regardless of what life brings my way...that I would be able to face it and continually grow or become more than what I was. I really think that this is the only way to make it through the hard times. We cannot control the cards that life deals us, but we can learn to play the game to win. That is the challenge- and we can never shrink from that challenge...when we do- we lose. When we succumb to the hardships and blows that come unannounced, we allow ourselves to fold.

The past week, I found myself, again, dealing with some "unfortunate" situations...some things that hurt me...some things that made me feel powerless. I was talking to my best friend, who has listened to every one of these calls, and I started to say that I just wanted to be happy. I stopped mid-sentence because I realized that I absolutely am happy. I am happy, strong, and so thankful for this place in my life. I have made it through so many bad hands and yet, I am still playing this game...I am learning daily how to face new challenges. I am no longer a victim of circumstances, but when faced with hard times, I am beginning to take them with stride and understand that I will, no doubt, make it through.

easy like sunday morning

i'm doing one of my favorite things...i'm sitting, snuggled on my couch, with the rain pelting down outside of my window, sunday morning news on, cup of coffee sitting on the table, and not a single plan for the day. i love sundays. i really do.

lucky

I haven't written in a while. My life has been weird. I was feeling like I only wrote when things were rough and complicated...and was feeling uninspired when things were good. There is so much going on in my head right now...so much that I don't know where to start...so much that I feel I should write it down so that when the whirlwind subsides, I will remember what I am supposed to. Yet, I don't know how to put it into words.

In the most uncreative nutshell...I will say that I am beginning to grasp my self-worth. I am beginning to understand how to grab onto what is best for me. My need to be happy...to be safe... is beginning to surpass my need to know intimacy and love. Yes, I am sure these will eventually go hand in hand. But for now, I am feeling a peace within me that reminds me that, against all odds, I am strong enough to be okay...to make it past the unlucky hands that I am dealt. And somehow, I am beginning to believe that I am going to get lucky. I am going to get lucky...because truth be told...I am already lucky. I am lucky because I am surprisingly good and kind and smart and caring. I am not completely fucked up. Many would say that I should be. I am lucky and if it takes me being lucky one more time to get it right...I am pretty sure it can happen. I am pretty damn sure it can happen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V3yDUSMpLLE

a week

I am fully aware that my posts have been on the negative side lately. I don't know what, exactly, to blame it on. It is just where I am right now. Going through a lesson. Gosh darnit. I would LOVE to graduate from this course...today! It seems like I find myself in these lessons on a regular basis. I suppose this is why I am feverishly working with my therapist to figure out why things are always so complicated. And yes, that's exactly what he said last..."You are a complicated person." I don't know how to take that; however, I recognize that I am attracted to complicated people...people who have layers to peel back...people who have lived...and learned or are learning. It's just so much more interesting. So, if being complicated makes me interesting...than I'm cool with that.

As for the details of the complications...this is my week. If it were my day, I would have said that I should have just stayed in bed. But nooooo...it's the whole week and I don't think staying in bed for the week is an option. It started with an emotional twist- telling this man that I have fallen in love with over the last year that I can no longer play in this relationship. It's a long story, but it was for my best. I will go into detail another time. So, this had me in a foul mood to start. I cried at the drop of a hat and did everything within me to try and stick to my decision. My progress is questionable.

Work has been...well, somewhat depressing and hectic. Yesterday, I got the "reminder" memo for something that was due yesterday. Funny enough, it was no reminder to me. First I had heard of it. Apparently, the project was sent out to the RVP's and was supposed to make it into my inbox the first of January. Oops...someone failed to forward it. So the day, which was already filled with meetings, sales calls, and events- turned into a frenzied fury of number crunching, marketing plans, and mad dashes to meet a nearly impossible deadline (for someone who has 8 hours to do so). I made it. Only because I'm too competitive to allow for my plans to be the only ones in the region unsubmitted.

After finishing the project, around 11pm, I walked Chloe. We found a few of our neighbor dogs in the park for the final run of the day. Bonus. A little bit of play time before bed- excellent. Excellent unless you get into it with the neighborhood bully. My poor Chloe, who has tried to warn this dog that her bad attitude was getting on her nerves, fell victim to Morgan's attitude problem. After a few snarls and some serious stalking, Morgan bit Chloe's ear. My poor, sweet lab was bleeding like a stuck pig. I took her home, cleaned her up, disinfected and doctored it to the best of my amateur ability. She saw the vet today. She'll live...maybe with an ear tear (not pretty on a lady)...but she'll live.

This morning, I couldn't find my newly increased metro card. Yep, just put my monthly amount on it...and where it disappeared to- I have no idea. I ransacked my place, cleaned my purse, checked hi and low...to no avail. I figured I would use the two singles that I had and get a temp pass for the day. That would have worked had I not left my wallet on the table in my fury of a search. Dammit. No singles, no debit card, no nothing. I already walked the mile plus to get to the station. So, I scrounged $1.35 from every corner of my purse, pocket and briefcase. Then when I came home, I begged, borrowed, and stole from my colleagues.

This is my week. Thank God tomorrow is Friday...can I get an amen???? A. MEN. I am in surprisingly good spirits. I picked up two heads up pennies yesterday. I have high hopes for the weekend.

my head hurts. at the time, a bottle or two of wine seemed like the best idea. actually, i still think it was the best idea. now, time heals all wounds right? wine and time? i hope so. if i could hit fast forward, i would. instead, i'll work through it today. i'll keep reading the reminders that a good friend posted all over my place- on my walls, my clocks, my doors and mirrors, in my fridge, on the milk..."Don't Give In", they say. if i have to drink until the time passes- i will. if it keeps me from picking up the phone or answering the door, then a headache is better than heartache.

i don't know anything but what i feel...

i am angry, frustrated, disappointed, hurt, and regretful. i am strong, beautiful, independent, and brave. i am sensitive, loving, open, and vulnerable. i am fearful, protected, guarded by walls. i have so much to give and am still willing to give it. i have made it through so many hard times and i still remain hopeful and gracious. i can carry my pain and you will never know it exists or i can cry for days with enough tears to last through the sadness. i am a woman. i am strength and beauty. i am a friend, a sister, a daughter, a lover, a fighter, a tower of safety to those who need it. i know all of these things, but when my heart is broken, i only know what i feel.

it's okay to need a savior

I started talking to someone two weeks ago. We have met twice and will continue to meet on a weekly basis until I feel like I have gotten these things off my chest. Yesterday, we were digging through some of my childhood and then wading through details of my marriage. I guess, we were trying to figure out why I married him. I've asked myself that question, beat myself up over that question, for years. I have seen it as my greatest weakness...my inability to do what I knew was right, because of fear. I always thought I was so much stronger. It is disappointing.

After defining him as a sociopath and understanding that I was truly a child at the time (18 years old), he thought for a couple of minutes. When he broke the silence, he said, "What you needed was someone to save you. That's the only thing that could have changed your situation."

I hate to need. I hate to admit that I cannot do something. Perhaps that is why I have been so hard on myself for all of these years. When I heard him say that, I could only breathe a sigh of relief. It was the raw truth. And I accept it. I felt stuck because I was. I was trapped by his overwhelming manipulation and control. I wish I was stronger- but experience makes us stronger...and I was a child. I needed someone to save me and looking back now...I'm okay with that.

playing hookie

February 2, 2002- 7 years ago, I miscarried a little life. That tiny baby slipped through my body and landed in the toilet. Harsh, I know. The memory is so clear in my head that to this day, it brings a tear to my eye. I wanted to stand there and stare at this little thing that would've been my child. I wanted to scoop it out and save it- inspect his or her little body. I missed the opportunity that day. He walked into the bathroom- I was weak and crying. He flushed the toilet and just like that...it was gone. He didn't even ask. He didn't come to me first. I won't forgive him for that. I won't.

I know that that was meant to happen. I never would have been able to leave that monster. I would have been bound to him for the rest of my life. As a woman, though, every year- it is etched in my mind when I first open my eyes on this day. Today, my baby would be in school- or maybe on the way home. It's beautiful out today- maybe we'd go to the park and play. I don't know.

This day, every year, no matter where my life is- I am forced to take the day off from the present and relive that moment. Not my idea of playing hookie.

"someone to love the you you love"

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

I read this quote today- I don't know who said it, but the last line stuck.

blah

i have so much to tell you. i want to give you all of the details of experiencing DC during the inauguration. it just deserves so much more than i am able to give right now. i will take the time to do it right next week.

i feel like i've had too much coffee, not enough sleep, and too high of expectations. i live for hope. but today, in my personal life, i'm wondering if i should take a break. i don't want to be disappointed. i want to be content.

pain

i don't want to write what i feel,
it's not worth the paper i write on.
simply, it doesn't matter.

i don't want to feel the way i feel,
it's not worth the hurt i depend on.
simply, it doesn't matter.

i want this sense to fail me.
what i'll be missing will be less than my gain.
i won't get that lucky,
i live for this pain.

wowzas

I am still an emotional mess. Have been since my last post. I don't know what in the world my problem is. I'm going to bed early and taking this weekend to recoup and celebrate the exciting things going on in DC.

Tonight, I was writing in my journal and came across some things from a while back. I've come so far. I thought I'd share them.

"This is ridiculous. I can't even write what I feel. I can't even look at myself in the mirror. It's all in my head. When the words start to form, I hear all the answers- the promises- the reasons- the "well, what did you think's?". So, I figure I'm better off to keep quiet and to follow my fear as it drags me around by the God damn neck.

Why do I choose to lay in this misery? To torture myself with my own lies? I make my decisions with passion and disregard them immediately. I say I am strong and then I build on my debt- not out of want but out of need- to satisfy, to soothe, to surround myself with distractions...something to remind me of peace.

Where do I go from here? From this exact moment when hurt overwhelms me? My options are these- to sleep, hoping that in the morning, I'll forget my tears; to lash out; to call; to try to make him share my pain; or to lose what I have held onto for this time...this that I've so tightly gripped, always knowing that my choices never change...always fearing the same, so much...that I stay right here.

Please let me sleep. Please clear my mind. Please keep me still. Please let me sleep. Please clear my mind. Please, please keep me still tonight."

whatever this is

I absolutely hate it. It doesn't come very often- no, most of the time, I consider myself fairly healthy. But when it comes, God, I want to escape somewhere, somehow. I can't figure out if it is hormones- I'm not PMS-ing. I'm not sure if it is stress- I've been under extreme stress and I wouldn't qualify anything in my life right now as stressful. I don't know if it's a panic attack- that would mean I am weaker than I care to admit...and panicking over what??

Whatever this is, it makes me uncomfortable. It makes me feel odd in my own skin. It makes tears slip down my face without warning. I lose sleep and I feel like I should be anywhere but where I am right now. So, my escape today, is to blog and just throw out there what I am feeling.

I feel a little bit tired of carrying my burdens alone right now. Now, I know that I don't really carry them alone. I have wonderful friends and family. But, I'm a little bit tired of not being able to reach the top shelf in my closet and not being able to open my damn wallflower from B&B Works. I'm tired of losing sleep at night over bills that I'll write by myself. I'm tired of making all of my own decisions based just on me. Just a little tired. (Again, I'm in this funk and tomorrow all of this could change- I'm sure I'll be back to my independently, confident, single womanhood).

I'm contemplating forgiveness now in my life. After talking to someone I care deeply about, I was reminded of the necessity of forgiveness in our lives. I tend to be forgiving of others. Often, I let things go and wave off the offenses that come my way. But, when I look back at the unfortunate circumstances I have found myself in, I think I forget to forgive myself and fate. I guess it sounds somewhat cocky to say that I need to forgive fate or even God for that matter...but I don't know how else to explain it, really. I'm not one to walk around with a chip on my shoulder, but I am definitely one to walk around with a shell that protects me from any misfortune and really, any love. I think I have lost confidence in goodness. I think I have lost some faith in happiness being in my plan. I am digging deep here- I am not walking around in depression. I am just feeling today and somehow, I think I put my feelings on hold. Distracting myself from my heart. Focusing on work, focusing on others.

I wonder what it is that I want and why I am still looking for it. I wonder if I am even ready for what I want. Things are good in my life...really. When I look back, I have to say that things have never really looked better. But, I'm still missing something. Something that makes me feel whatever this is. Something that puts this lump in my throat on a cold day when I'm walking the dog in the park. Out of the blue, this damn whatever it is, just sneaks up on me and makes me feel like shit. It makes me late for work because I feel like I should be sleeping through the pain. Whatever this is...I want it to go away until next time. I got you...I know you're here. I know I'm not as strong as I try to be...so leave me alone. I have a day to face.

exciting

i've got a ticket to the inauguration...ohhh, i've got a ticket to the inauguration....ohhhohhhohhhhhh, I'VE got a ticket to the inauguration!!!! thanks, j!