Eid Mubarak

Sigh...a breath of fresh, new air. A breath of release. I don't know if you'd understand even if I could find the words to express what I am feeling. There is really no way for you to know unless you have lived within my spirit for this lifetime. The past 30 days have been new life to me. They have been restoration and healing. They have been peace and joy and love. They have been faith, support, and forgiveness.

I am grateful for the incredible mercies of God. I am grateful for the opportunity and health to be able to observe this religious month of fasting. I have learned so much. I have gained an appreciation and respect for something that I did not know much about. I have grown in my faith. I have received healing from years of hiding from God- out of fear that He may disappoint me or hurt me. I could not trust- so I existed and tried to fall under the spiritual radar. My faith, that was/is such a huge part of me, starved while I wondered why. I wanted it restored but was running from the very source of my faith- my hope.

I feel like I am starting fresh today. With a new hand dealt...with a brand new opportunity for life and happiness. My circumstances have not changed, but my heart has.

Eid Mubarak!

"In the Name of God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

Praise be to God, Lord of the Universe.

Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

Master of the Day of Judgment.

You alone we worship, You alone we ask for help.

Guide us in the right path:

The path of those whom You blessed;

not of those who have deserved wrath, nor of the strayers."

day 27

a busy day. i'm beat. was supposed to go to see Lady Gaga tonight...not in the Ramadan plan so had to pass. lol. still holding on for some answers. i pray they come.

goodnight.

day 26

"Allah, on this day, make my efforts worthy of appreciation, and my sins forgiven, my deeds accepted, my flaws concealed, O the best of those who hear."

As Ramadan comes to a close, I am sensitive to being sure that I remain as focused as I possibly can. I am still holding out for some breakthroughs. I'm not sure how to explain it or put it into words...

This prayer today was very real to me. There were very specific situations that I anticipated today and I felt this was right on time. I don't feel like I was able to follow through though. I am reminding myself...again...to trust God. If I say it to myself once, I say it a dozen times a day...trust God. Trust God. Trust God. I wish I could say more tonight- something that is profound and encouraging to someone...but I can't.

God, hear me. God, who hears and gives me ears to hear....hear my cry, hear my plea, hear my need. You are the best of those who hear...allow my spirit, which knows God and the spirit of God, to understand Your ways and Your thoughts. Make my efforts worthy of YOUR appreciation. I was created for YOU. Help me to trust YOUR plan. God, hear me. God, who hears and gives me ears to hear....hear my cry, hear my plea, hear my need.

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall run and not grow weary, they shall walk and not faint. Teach me Lord, Teach me Lord to wait."

day 22

I've cried alot in the last few weeks. I mean...where I've tried to answer a question from someone and can barely choke back the tears. I've been sitting on my bed or brushing my teeth...and I just start crying. I'm sensitive these days...lol. Extra sensitive.

Tonight, I was talking to a brother- a spiritual brother- and could barely hold it together as I tried to tell him a couple of things that definitely did not merit tears. He was asking me what I had learned during my fast, what made me decide to fast, etc. All I could say was "with sacrifice comes blessing and I really need a blessing."

My blessing is coming in so many ways...I recognize the healing that is taking place. The healing of years of pent up pain. Pain that I held on to so tightly for fear that it might multiply. Pain that became a burden I was sure was safer to carry then to set it down. Healing for a soul that was so strong but so tired.

I am almost sad to see this fast come to a close. I am so grateful for these past few weeks. I couldn't even begin to express my thoughts...but my spirit understands. My spirit understands. And it is good.

"Allah, on this day, open for me the doors of your grace, send down on me its blessings, help me towards the causes of your mercy and give me a place in the comforts of Paradise, o the One who answers the call of the distressed."

day 21

"which of the Lord's marvels can you deny?"


"His love endures forever..."

(sidenote before i even get started...i have been jotting down lines or passages that speak to me during my readings. that way, should i get distracted throughout the day or not feel like writing, i am still reminded of the words that jumped out at me for one reason or another. today- these two lines were repeated over a dozen times each....think there's a message? :) WHICH OF THE LORD'S MARVELS CAN YOU DENY? HIS LOVE...ENDURES FOREVER. shaking my head...and writing these words on my heart so that i will remember them all day.)

I was in the bathroom this morning...before you panic on this being tmi...hear me out...and I thought about where I was going to pray this morning. Strange, I suppose, but for some reason, this is what I was thinking. The random thought then crossed my mind of praying in the bathroom...this was not a consideration for me this morning, really...but keep following my thought process. I'm painting a picture (I'm standing in front of my sink at this time). In that moment, I was reminded of the hours that I spent on the bathroom floor, with puddles of tears around me, crying out to God in prayer...pleading with Him to hear my cries and save my marriage.

I remember as clear as day, the first night in our new apartment. We had just returned from a honeymoon in Bermuda (this is a story in itself) and had barely unpacked the suitcases. For some reason- could've been anything- it was getting cloudy or I had put the glasses on the right side of the sink instead of the left side- who knows- Andrew became furious. He went on a rampage through the apartment- throwing my clothes out of the freshly organized drawers, tossing my suitcases, slamming doors, and yelling that he didn't want me...I should just follow my family, who had moved the day after my wedding, to California. That night was the first of many, that I spent laying on the bathroom floor. The nights that proceeded lasted for years- nights of complete desperation. Nights of wondering how I could possibly have made the decision to marry such an awful person. Nights of calling out to God to somehow do something...change him...change me...anything...teach me how to bear the burden and not be weak...crying to Him to keep my head above water because I was sinking deeper daily.

5 years later, maybe a week after I exercised the courage to leave him, I was sitting at one of the pastor's homes in Florida. His wife sat across from me with utter disgust on her face and belittled me, scorned me, and scolded me as to how I should be ashamed and should just pray for my husband. I sat there with a cup of tea in my hand.

I could see the lake through the windows behind her.

I wanted to throw my cup of tea in her face.

I wanted to get up and punch her square in the head...

I wanted to scream.

I wanted to do anything other than what I was doing at that moment as she continued to ramble off judgment. When she felt she said enough, I looked at her and said, "You will never know the hours, the days...and the nights, that I have spent calling out to God. I have prayed for my husband. I have prayed for me. I have prayed that anything and everything would save me from this day. My prayers were not answered." I kindly thanked her for the tea and left.

For years, I wondered why my prayers were not answered. I struggled with how someone who read God's Words, was daily immersed in His presence, someone who had a career in teaching others about God, could not be swayed toward mercy and love. I wondered why God chose not to save my marriage- He could have. He could have caused Andrew's heart to soften. He could have changed my circumstances in just a brief moment. He could have saved me from the hurt and scorn that I received from so many. But He did not. He did not answer my prayer.

Today, I have to believe that He knows the bigger picture. His purpose for my life is so much greater. He is omniscient and His ways are so much greater than mine. Which of the Lord's marvels can I deny?

I may never again pray on the bathroom floor...but I will continue to pray. I will continue to believe that my prayers do not fall on deaf ears. And I will continue to believe that my prayers will be answered according to His will for ME~ His Love Endures Forever...