conversations continued

jackie: why are there so many republicans in here?

me: i know, shouldn't they be home packing?

conversations at circa

me: this place is like a sugar-free candy store- there's not a damn piece of eye candy here. booooring.

jackie: excuse me, i need to walk through the diabetic section now.

Thanks, Kimberley, for a great Thanksgiving Day. It was refreshing to be with family, noise, laughter, good food and a killer fire. I'm so thankful for our friendship!

disconcerted

i realized this week that i am doing something that i've done before. i am repeating history in my own life and it is something that i cannot do again. as strong and independent as i am, i seem to lose my wits when it comes to love. i suppose this is part of love, but i keep making the wrong decisions and finding myself shaking my head at my misery.

i grumbled about it to my friend and said i was exhausted from it. in utter frustration, not with me, but with men i think, she yelled..."YOU ARE NOT EXHAUSTED!!!! You are not exhausted because you have done nothing to be exhausted from! Play the game and THEN say you are exhausted." she continued and i sat there and in all my strong-womanness, tears sneaked down my cheeks. she was right. she was so right. because i wanted something so badly, i was doing what he wanted so that i could have what i wanted. it is not what is best for me...

i have to deny myself what i want in order to get what i want. self-discipline. self-control. both things that i am not good at. my heart is involved. i have fallen in love and i HAVE to walk away. i have to be healthy. i have to set boundaries and play the game to win...not to play.

ugh. i hate these days. i got teary eyed at work cuz i was so mad. that made me madder.

good times

now.

i've been feeling a little down the past week. a number of events have caused me to get stuck a bit on the past and be anxious about the future. not my typical pattern of worry and worry, really isn't one of my typical patterns. whatever. i needed a sit down with one of my girls and while i was trying to reason with myself and talk myself back into reality...she said, "you've got to live in the now." i shut up and just let it sink in. i know this, but somehow, it TOTALLY slipped my mind. i got so wrapped up in expectations and emotions that i just plain old forgot to be concerned with right NOW. and to be so completely honest, right now is great. i have come so far, pulled through so much, and i am really happy right now. i have wonderful friends, a great job, i love where i live. i am healthy, financially stable, and in love with life. i am driven and inspired everyday to be better. i am witnessing an incredible time in history. now is good. now is all i have. the past is gone. tomorrow isn't here and i can't make it happen. now is exactly what i need. and that makes me happy. thanks kimberley.

Hmmm. I am sitting down to write, because I insist. Insist to write what- I do not know. I would like to write something powerfully inspirational...something beautifully stimulating and something that makes the reader dig deeper within. I really would. I would also like to write something brutally honest. Something that is inside me that would be so raw and shocking that it would be clear that I believed in unadulterated truth and authenticity. I really would.

I would also like to save the world. I would like to remind people that there is life outside of their struggles and a power within to survive. I would like to put food in the bellies of all of the babies out there who ate raw ramen noodles and maybe nothing else today. I would like to comb a little girl's hair simply because no one else will. I would like to love the little boy who can't sit still at school because he's hungry and tired and doesn't know what concentration looks like. I would like to remind someone today that they can be anyone and do anything that they want to do. I would like to be there when that one person thought no one could be there. I really would.

I'd like to end poverty. I'd like to feed starvation away. I'd like to clothe and home homelessness. I'd like to heal the hurting. I'd like to end the fight against abuse. I'd like to end the cycle that causes so many to feel they cannot. I'd like to...I really would...but I cannot. I cannot do any one of these things tonight. All I can do is sit here and tap on my laptop, in my overpriced apartment, on my velvet couch. All I can do is listen to my dish washer and MSNBC in the background, while deciding which new dress I will wear to work tomorrow.

I know I've mentioned the seasons a few times, but really...I had no idea how much I missed them over the years. Autumn is here and I am reminded why I have claimed this as my favorite season for so long. I'm not sure if it is the crispness in the air, the crunchy leaves that make the walk so much less lonely, or the gorgeous colors that crown the trees. I'm tempted to believe that it is my insistence on finding something deeper in everything I see. I think that it is because fall reminds me of the necessity of death. By death, I don't mean the end of life but the end of seasons...the closing of chapters. I don't care where you are or what you are going through, good or bad, the time always comes when you must close the door and open another.

I suppose you refer to this idea when thinking about any season; however, the idea of the beauty that comes before death in this season is what gets me so excited. I'd like to think that the process in closing a door allows for incredible beauty. I wonder tonight, what door it is that I need to close. I have been reflecting on this for weeks now. Wondering what the underlying cause is to some of my inclinations for things that are not for my best. I wonder if this fall will be my time for change. I wonder if this season will signify the death of bad habits or tendencies that do not allow me to grow to my fullest potential or embrace true contentment. I wonder if my acceptance and willingness to discover more about myself will allow for beauty to "become me". I wonder what will come of this closing of a door or this changing of seasons. Whatever it is, I know that when winter is allowed to settle on the bare trees, there is beauty to follow...fruit and new life. I am ready to grow...I am ready to produce new fruit in my life.

Change is a thrill to me. Perhaps, the leaves taking on a new look and the air drawing in a crispness is my reminder to allow for change...always. It is necessary to grow. Just remind me when it is cold...

you've gotta love some whitney houston...

this picture brought back some memories that i just have to share. if i had to describe myself to someone, i would possibly say that i am sensitive, but not one who wears my feelings on my sleeve. i would say that i am expressive, but not dramatic. i hope this story doesn't give you the wrong impression.

several years back, when my parents were getting ready to move to california, i was going through some things that were in the "keep or trash" boxes that needed to be widdled down. i came across a cassette tape that, for whatever reason, i decided to pop into the stereo. i could hear the static of a self-made recording. as i listened more closely, i recognized the sound of sniffles and sobs. then the music began...

you see, my first "boyfriend"...vaughn ricker... dumped me when i was not even 12. i know...tragic. i'm going to refer to this as my only "dumping". yes, it's true and maybe this incident is the reason why i've never since been dumped. (no, i'm not "the dumper" either...i like to call myself "the negotiator".) anyhow, vaughn ricker broke my heart. i remember laying on my floor in my bedroom, knowing that life could not go on, and listening to my girl, whitney houston. when her "where do broken hearts go" began to play, something inside of me determined that that moment could not be forgotten. yes, you guessed it...i recorded myself, on my double cassette boombox, crying while whitney sang.

the recording was emotional...until...the sadness was interrupted by a knock on the door and my father saying, "Carrie, it's time for dinner." apparently, he wasn't aware of the emotional healing taking place, the first heartbreak being documented, and clearly, he had no respect for some good ol' whitney houston.

space

I want you so bad but I’m giving you space
I try to block you out but I can’t get rid of your face
In my mind you’re all I see
In my dreams I just can’t be
Left alone
I know it’s not right
I know I should go
But I can’t leave this thing I feel alone
It’s been so long since I felt this way
Didn’t think I’d see the day
That my heart would heal and begin to feel
The way I do

So, baby, just know
You can take your time
You can take it slow
You can take it anywhere you want to go
Cuz I can’t leave this thing I feel alone

I’m not sure how this turned
From fun to fear
of the unknown
I’m not sure when it was
Or where it was
Or how it was
but I’m telling you for sure
cuz I can’t leave this thing I feel alone
So, baby, just know

You can take your time
You can take it slow
You can take it anywhere you want to go
Cuz I can’t leave this thing I feel alone
Take your time
Take it slow
Take it anywhere you want to go

Baby, let’s take our time
Let’s take it slow
Let’s take it anywhere we want to go
Cuz we can’t leave this thing alone

just do it

i want to be an interior designer or a writer or both. i have a good job, but i always have a job that i do well at, but am not fulfilled in. i need an outlet for creativity. i think my flexibility keeps me from pursuing my dreams. i am too easy-going. i want to be uncomfortable so that i can't do anything except run after what fulfills me.

so, where should i start? what should i do to begin my pursuit of creativity? hmmm...maybe just saying it will motivate me. we shall see.

what would you like to hear?

i could write about a dozen things. all of which would be entertaining to any reader- a good story for those looking in. maybe i'll share this week someday. all i can muster up the strength to say is that it's friday night and i'm staying in. this weekend isn't getting any better than me...just me.

the ride

i did exactly what i felt i needed to do last night. i went to my favorite little spot in DC, with my pen and journal, and a glass of wine. it was a night of reflection- just me and me...and according to my horoscope...it's just what i was supposed to do. "sit down at the negotiation table with you and you and focus on your goals. this will alleviate the internal struggle you are facing."

i thought that i would be attempting to find peace and de-stress. instead, i found myself already at peace and deeply inspired. i found out, yesterday, that my ex-husband just got married. i don't have the time to delve into how bizarre this is to me. but it is. it really made me think- reflect and remember how far i have come since those days- those hard days. yes, i am dealing with some drama issues right now, but the realization of my confidence and determination to settle for nothing less than the best for me- made me sit up proudly last night. i am unbelievably grateful for the opportunities that i have been given to make decisions that are good for me. for years, i felt remorse over bad decisions. i felt like a failure because i knew better, but chose worse. this ride that i am on is teaching me so much. i am so excited that i am in a place where i have the strength and confidence to do what i know is best.

today, i will take care of the situation that i mentioned yesterday. i feel good about it. i feel at peace about just being real and doing what is best for me. i feel confident that he will understand my sincerity. and really...i hope that he is motivated to be better and do the same for himself. i know, this sounds naiive...extremely hopeful...but i do hope. i continue to hope...even when this ride takes me where i don't expect to go. hope motivates me and to be honest...i haven't yet been disappointed in believing.

trying to find a way...

somehow, i seem to find myself in the most peculiar situations. in the middle of it, i wonder how i got there and how the hell i am supposed to get out. i've done this a few times before and always say that i never make the same mistake twice. i may make a mistake because of the same core issue, but never the same mistake twice. well, this week, my dilemma is all new to me and i don't know how to find my way out.

i met someone a few weeks ago. we have been spending time together since and i have enjoyed his company. there were a couple of things that concerned me a little and reminded me to tread lightly- his age (he's younger than me), his ex (she's certifiably crazy), and the possibility of him drinking too much, too often (i figured i would find this out over time- in an attempt to not be judgmental). in getting to know him, i have found many things that i like about him. i have taken to him quickly. he comes from a dear family, he is sincere and caring, he is very responsive and has been nothing but a gentleman. we enjoy each other and have had fun spending time together.

last week, i met some of his friends- one in particular that gave me a very bad vibe. funny enough, he told me that this particular friend told him to watch out for me- he didn't like me. no problem, not fishy for someone to not like me- i can accept that. however, this guy is shady. he's older (much older than my friend) and he has trouble written all over him. i felt it as soon as i met him. i 100% believe that, because i am wise to his game or whatever you want to call it, he immediately had negative feelings about me. again, no problem; however, this concerned me because this is the circle that my friend runs with.

so, i continue to spend time with this man. he was in my home yesterday- he spent the night. he needed something from his bag and asked me to grab it- then suddenly changed his mind. i wasn't worried about this, mainly because i didn't care to go through his stuff anyhow. he continued to tell me that he had something in his bag that i would not approve of- maybe because he thought i would look anyhow- i'm not sure. well, he's right- i don't approve. i don't approve and i am trying to find a way to back track.

my suspicions were right about the people he runs with and now, i don't know how to get myself out of this situation and out of it quickly. i am nervous. i am by myself and do not in anyway want to be involved in this type of thing. i am worried about the combination of the issues involved and am not sure how to deal with it. he drinks too much. he runs with a bad crowd. he carries a gun.

should i talk to him honestly and share that, although, i like him, i am uncomfortable with this lifestyle and can't be a part of it? i have dealt with these issues before, but never with someone that i was involved with. it was always with the parents of the children that i worked with- in that situation, i never worried about myself because these parents appreciated my time with their children and knew that i cared deeply about them and their families. this is different. i had no idea that this was what i was getting myself into. i know that this man likes me and has said on several occasions that he knows i am a "good person", with good intentions. will he understand my concerns and accept my exit?

help.

beauty becomes her

she played with her babies, her barbies, her dresses, and fancy shoes. she surrounded herself with pretty and pretty became her. she listened to them say how her eyes were so blue and her hair so fine. she heard them say, "you look like your mommy" and her mom was just so...so beautiful.

she grew a bit...not grown...but growing...changing, developing...and pretty became her. her eyes still so blue and her hair still fine. her babies and barbies turned to boys and still beauty enticed her. she listened to them say they liked her...she wondered why. they didn't know she was fun and smart and kind.

not quite a woman and no longer a girl...still pretty dresses and fancy shoes...but added to her beauty were so many things only she knew. no one seemed to see these- she wanted to give them, but could not seem to please. her beauty...the pretty...became her, but hid her from being seen by those looking for all she could give. they chased and they touched- they reached for the pretty- they took from the pretty- they stole from the pretty til she lost sight of the beauty she believed to become her.

beautiful body, beautiful mind, beautiful spirit- all of the kind that draws one soul in and brings healing to the mind..but she couldn't see it, she couldn't feel it, didn't know it at all. all she could see was the pulling, the tugging, the groping, the taking of her total inside. she'd been robbed of her beauty, her youth, her gift, her innocence- it did not become her- she had to hide.

slowly she began to see the truth behind the beauty she still believed in- it wasn't the pretty dresses, the fancy shoes, the blue eyes, the hair, the body or the way she walked around- turning heads and grabbing the eyes of the men looking as blind as they knew how to- at the width of her hips or the curve of her breasts. she knew it wasn't the way that she moved and hypnotized the sexed up man in her bed. it wasn't the pull that she caused when he walked by her- smelling her, needing her, and feeling he couldn't get there fast enough. this beauty was not the beauty she knew to become her- and that was beautiful in itself.

she believed in the power within her. she was confident that she could go anywhere, be anyone, and do anything, see anything, hear anything, and face anything before her. she knew the kindness and passion that exuded from her strengths. she realized the inner struggle that she was sure she could overcome. she knew the future that was hers, as long as she was faithful to follow after it. she saw the gift that she continually gave to those around her- her ear, her shoulder, her love, her strength, and her willingness to share what was within her. her faith was inspiring and her courage motivating. her spirit wanted more and that was beauty. that was beauty that she knew deserved more than a pull, a tug, or a grope. it was beauty that deserved the soul of someone beautiful enough to become her.

it's okay- just breathe

The past few months have been a whirlwind- new home, new job, new friends, new city, new life. I have been thoroughly enjoying myself and have to say that I have barely taken a chance to sit back and enjoy the new scenery...of my life. It has been such a change from the past 10 years that I haven't wanted to pause- afraid that it might go away.

Yesterday, I felt the strong need for focus. I feel like it is finally time for me to sit down and breathe- and that it's okay to do it. I have been so busy doing things that involve everyone else- not in a negative way- just busy going out, being with friends, dating, etc. I have neglected spending time with me. There are so many things that need my attention and these things will provide growth. So, I'm not trying to change my new world- I'm just at a place where I feel comfortable making it balance.

My job needs more of my attention. Things are going very well, but they could be going better. So, I am going to work more. I need to start saving money. So, I am going to spend less. I want to focus on my passions- writing, music, and volunteering. So, I am going to give more of my time to these things. I am excited about this. I am going to stop dating people that I don't enjoy or see any sort of future with. For some reason, I have been giving people more chances than I am happy to give. The time that I will save with people I don't enjoy will be time that can be focused on my growth.

So, this post is not about great creativity- it is about real stuff. It is about what I finally feel- comfort with happiness. Before, it scared me and I was afraid it would leave. My life has been so filled with crap that I have been nervous that normalcy would not last. I'm not sure that it won't, but my life is finally so much more stable than it has ever been. I am grateful and I really believe that I have the power to keep it as close to this as possible....but I have to focus. So, here it goes. Wish me luck.

thankful

I am so thankful today. I am thankful for a fresh start. I am thankful for another chance to live. I am thankful for the great privilege of being happy. I am thankful for my friends, my sisters, my family, my job, my home. I am thankful for the overwhelming reality of my new life. I am thankful that there is always a way out of the hard times that we find ourselves in. I am thankful for our resilience and the strength that we find to hope even when we feel like all hope is gone. I am thankful for the courage that we find to make decisions that are difficult, but life-changing. I am thankful for truth and love. I am thankful for the motivation I feel to be better. I am thankful for the grace that I've been shown and want to share with others. I am thankful for so many things this morning- and surprisingly, I am thankful for me.

Just had to post this.

I read this blog today and couldn't help but post this comment. The thread was concerning, not Barack's blackness, but Michelle's blackness being the real issue with white America's fear of an Obama White House. This man's comment is astounding.

PermalinkAtticus
Finch 1
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Your analysis is superb and helpful.
But I still am astounded that anyone would be threatened rather than thrilled by
the thought of her being first lady.I am white. I have 4 kids. And dear God in
heaven let them all have the pride and brilliance of Michelle Obama.And to those
macho crackers who are reeling at the thought of a black woman being in a
leadership role, a position of authority, I have only a scornful reaction.Get
the fuck out now crackers, because your day is ending and you will be expected
to go back in your little holes and disappear from sight, along with your
dumb-as-a-log, civil liberties-hating, dipshit of a President.And as to what you
probably fear most profoundly and most deeply, i.e., that the end of white power
will occasion some payback, let me assure you -- as a white male with a full
cracker appearance -- of the following:We know who you are. And white guys like
me -- who you haven’t noticed because you have been too fucking dumb to think
that wealthy and powerful white family guys like me have been loathing you --
have been watching you use male privilege and whiteness to gain riches and power
and prestige. We have watched you demean and ridicule and hate and -- worst of
all -- smirk. We have watched you sit in steam rooms at clubs and universities,
we have been sitting in those rooms next to you, we have been listening. And to
say we despise you is ----- well, let us just say that despise is a term of
affection compared to the loathing we feel. And you day, your eclipse, your
decline, is at hand. And you know what, dipshit, you won’ t even know it is me
loathing you because one way I am going to be part of the payback against
privilege, is by expressing completely disingenuous sympathy as you and all the
condescending racists watch your world crumble.And while you won’t know who I am
-- you'll think I am your friend because I will be acting and smiling and giving
you white pats on the back -- I will be doing everything covert I can to undo
everything you have worked for and gained on the backs of those you treated with
condescension.You may be pretty much dumb asses yourselves, but I know you are
smart enough to remember all the times you treated people of color with
arrogance, every time you mumbled “nigger,” every time you raised your voice to
a waiter who couldn’t scurry around fast enough to suit your white ass, every
time you moaned about affirmative action while sopping up white affirmative
action, every pathetic time you told a pollster that you were voting for a black
candidate and then went in the booth and pulled the secret white lever that you
and I know about and then only told one white friend.Well guess what? I am the
white friend you told! And I laughed with you. But then I went home and added
you to the list of macho white trash that would eventually lose it all.But then
again, I have already been causing you a shitload of trouble. In fact, you may
know who I am: Remember when you had that really nice boss who was loyal to you
and to whom you were loyal? And remember the sad day when he called you in and
told you that there was nothing he wouldn’t do to avoid having to let a great
guy like you go? And then he gave you a hug? And you walked out. I was the guy.
And I fired your sorry white ass because your arrogance and condescension and
racism and blatant use of male privilege sickened me. And because every time you
told a nigger joke you never even considered that anyone in your presence might
not have a racist lily white country club honky-ass family like you.You felt
safe around me. And that was your mistake. In the beginning of Ralph Ellison’s
tour de force The Invisible Man, the unnamed black protagonist is given a
recommendation letter that he doesn’t know will sabotage and ruin him. Well, so
help me, on countless occasions I have sabotaged careers of white men who
thought no one was watching when they used the race or gender card. And now it
will only get worse. So tomorrow, when you go to your bank or law firm or
hospital or university, take a close look at your supervisors. You know the ones
who claim to look out for you. The ones who make more money than you but who you
don’t envy because they care about you?Well, one of them is me. And not only do
I not give a flying fuck about you, my kindness is a mask for loathing.I pity
your poor bastards. Because I’m not the black guy whose ascension you fear, I’m
one of you. I look like you. In fact, I am sitting in my office looking out at
you right now. I just winked at you, in fact. You look safe and secure in your
arrogance, your whiteness. Good. Relax. In fact, email me another of your
dumbest white sexist or racist jokes. I promise to laugh. That’s what I want.
Just know that I know everything. I’ve seen everything. And know that now I am
waiting for what for me will be the last straw. The next Barack joke or the next
time you demean a woman like Michelle, you are going to be standing there like a
fucking cyclone just hit you. And you’ll be asking:What happened to my career?
Where did my juice go? My privilege?I can’t wait. Come on asshole, make fun of
Michelle Obama. I dare you, you arrogant fuck.Make my day.

sweet chloe candy girl

I was handed the cutest puppy in the world, on my birthday in 2001. She was 6 weeks old and my first thought was that I didn't know how I was going to manage giving her a good life when I was so busy. I couldn't resist though. She had the sweetest eyes and I knew early on that she would be my right hand man.

Chloe is 7 years old now and I can't imagine my life without her. She has moved 6 times with me. I know she hates the moves as much as I do. She has adjusted to the craziness, time and time again. She is flexible with my schedule and still loves me every time I walk in and out of the door. I have been so busy lately. Every day it has been something- all day and all night. Thankfully, I am able to come through the house during the day. She has a walker and she has a little friend in the building. It is not that she is being neglected...it is that I miss her. This dog has brought me joy, sanity, and companionship. She is my "all-weather" friend. So, it's Saturday and instead of going out tonight- I'm staying in.

progress

two steps forward. one step back. i'm okay with that today. yesterday, i made progress. i made a decision that i did not want to make, but knew that it was best for me. it is one step toward contentment.

contentment

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. The idea that life, the way it is, is just fine...not that I want to be stagnant or not to move from this place....not that I have no ambition to move forward and achieve more...getting closer to my dreams. Rather the idea that where I am right now is okay...it is part of the plan and for what it is- I am content.

I am not here yet. I am not in a place where I can feel like I am okay and I do not need more. I do not want to get more in order to be content. I want to be able to stand in this place and be at peace. I want to wake up in the morning and if nothing has changed, still be thrilled with the new day and the lesson I am about to learn. Is this too ambitious? Are we built differently than this? Are we programmed to always want what we do not have? Or is it possible for me to hope for this kind of happiness?

I went to NY for the weekend and got home yesterday. I always love seeing my family and being a part of this circle that loves me for who I am. It's so easy and that is rejuvenating. When I got home, I became extremely anxious. Not about any one thing...just panicked, in general, about my life. I tried to sleep and couldn't. I felt like I had to DO something to change things in my life. Why? There was nothing specific that I needed to address. There were no major issues hanging over my head. There is nothing that is making me completely miserable. I just didn't feel content. I felt like there was something missing.

I do think that there are things missing in my life. Things that will add measure to me and will enhance my living. However, those things, I cannot cause to happen. I can only wait and continue to live my life to the fullest. In doing this, I know that I must find contentment where I am. I must be at peace with this place in my life. It is hard and I am not sure how to achieve this. I want this more than those things that are missing.

Somehow, today, I will encourage myself to sit back and rest in this place. I will somehow cause my heart to be patient. I will find ways to make the most of this day and the opportunities that it gives me to grow toward contentment.

seasons

I forgot just how much I missed the changing of seasons. For the past ten years, I have been living in parts of the country that have great warm weather, but no change. I always knew that I missed it, but never realized how much until now. The daffodils are popping up everywhere, the cherry blossoms are blooming, the birds go crazy at the crack of dawn, and the grass is turning green again. I love the smell in the air- it’s fresh. My windows are open and I feel like I just woke up from a long sleep. I am shedding my big heavy coat and taking longer walks than normal. This changing of the seasons stuff...it’s heavenly.

I woke up this morning and realized that it’s not just the weather that has me thinking...it’s the seasons in my life changing. It’s fresh, it’s lively. I’m able to shed all of the crap that I’ve been wearing and enjoy this walk of life so much more. I feel this amazing freedom to be completely open- like I’ve just literally woken up. It’s been a hell of a long season in my life- 10 years nearly- of the same thing- the same heat. I forgot how incredible it is when the season finally changes. I feel like a new person- like I’m getting a fresh start. I can’t wait to see what this season brings. I’m ready for it.

This changing of the season stuff- it’s heavenly.

~ March 25, 2008

DOUBT

You know.
The little voice inside that says "no" when it should say "yes".
The hesitancy that makes you stand still when you should go.
The "yeah right" that speaks to your dreams and the "maybe" that steals your goals.
It stinks, but it stays even when you shew it away.
It whispers in your ear even when you speak in faith.
I guess it comes with our humanity- our weaknesses and our faults.
And although it seems small-
It is fatal
And if allowed to- it grows.

one more trip

I think that it would be safe to say that my car (lonely, lonely car) made at least 25+ trips from my old spot to my new one. Of course, these were trips that even made my car whine...they were loaded to the max. This move has been, hmmmm...torturous, to say the least. I have been fortunate enough to find a lovely little home in an even more lovely neighborhood. I am excited, BUT can I just tell you that I am struggling to make that last trip!!! It is just one trip...to clean out my garage. I have the truck until 11 this morning. It is 7:45 now and I just can't get myself to throw on some more nasty moving clothes and finish this deal. I am exhausted. Whine, whine, whine. I know. I suppose I could be finishing now. But, oh the thought of that trip. Someone please put me out of my misery.
Here's a thought to make you say "hmmm". My mom, in her attempt to offer me great advice concerning my problem of having no help to move, said I should call the Police Department. I know, it hurts me to even write it. The POLICE DEPARTMENT???? Okay, mom, call them and then say what? "Could one of you fine strong men please rescue me from these nasty boxes and dust bunnies?" "I'm scared, officer, could you please fight off this WORK for me?" I mean really now. I am still floored by this suggestion.
Obviously, I am wasting time. Exposing embarrassing family skeletons. I could say more...it would be less painful than this last trip I am about to make. It will be a dramatic one...you can count on that. I don't know how I will make my final exit, but it will be a good one. Memorable for sure.
All you Labor Day gluttons, enjoy your day. I will too, after one more trip.

~ September 4, 2006

amazing

Simply amazing. I just have to say that I am amazed at the ability we have, even when we don't know it, to cope...and not to simply cope, but to succeed and thrive. Sometimes our thriving is evidenced by incredibly beautiful moments and sometimes by just getting out of bed. For all of my dearest friends who opened their eyes this morning and it hurt...you are my heroes today. And for those of you who decided to roll with the punches that life just threw your way...you are stinkin' champions! I am SOOOOOOO blessed to have you as friends. Cheers to all of you who are more than just survivors.

~August 14, 2006

this too shall pass

In the middle of the storm, it seems the rain and winds will never cease. The dark clouds are so thick that to imagine a clear sky seems impossible. The only thing that reminds us of the storm ending is the last storm. We know from experience, that when the last storm clouds came through, they did not stay forever. It is our experience that reminds us that we will make it through. If we never saw a storm cloud, we would never realize that the clouds pass.

It makes me thankful for the storms I have had in my life. I have been through things that I felt would never leave. I have had those days when I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. BUT I have always known, that somehow, the storm would pass. Today, I have been humming this song...okay, I'm lying...I have been belting it out at times..."This too shall pass...This too shall pass...This too shall pass...This TOO shall pass." Sometimes, this is the only hope we have to hold onto. The fact that this will pass. I am reminded of the Scripture that says we will not be given a temptation above what we are able to handle.

My first summer on my own in Florida was the summer that we were hit by multiple hurricanes. The first hurricane came through and I recall huddling in my closet with Chloe for 12 hours. We just slept and listened to the storm. There was no power. We had no phones. I was scared, but had no choice but to stick it out through the storm. When the winds stopped and the sun came out, I walked outside to find a completely different scene than when I had first huddled into my closet. Trees were down, cars were crushed, carports were on the lawn, shingles and parts of the roof were in the pool and debris was everywhere. You could barely walk through the driveway. As terrible as it was, I remember a sense of relief. A sense of confidence because I had weathered the storm. I made it through 3 more hurricanes that year- none as rough as the first. Or maybe...maybe it was because I knew I would make it through. I'm not sure.

That is how I feel now. I know that I have felt the fear before of thinking that I wouldn't be able to make it through my hard times. They seemed too great and too overwhelming. I also know that the older I get and the more experiences I am lucky to have, I grow in strength and confidence. Not because the storms are any easier, but because I KNOW that the storm will pass. I know that if I endure, I will be able to look back when the clouds clear and be thankful for the courage I had. Hard times are inevitable. They will come. They will beat us down and knock the wind out of our sail- time and time again. But no matter what happens or how long the storm stays, it will ALWAYS, ALWAYS pass.

crash

Whoa. This past weekend has been an absolute blur of social activities. I have enjoyed all of the fun with friends- the drinks, the laughs, the nights out, etc. But right now- all I can think about is my bed. I would love to write about the dates I've been on or the men in my life that I don't know what to do with. I'd also love to write about my dramatic week with a friend and how I have no idea what to do to mend the relationship. I would like to get my feelings on paper about where I am right now and what I hope for. All of these things, though, would take energy- and that, I do not have. So, for tonight, I will dream. I will rest and save my candid creativity for tomorrow.

today

Today is about happiness. Today is about taking life by the horns and directing it in the direction of my dreams. Today is about living and not holding back…about hoping and not being afraid. Today is about taking risks to achieve what I believe in. Just today. I can’t promise this same thing for tomorrow. The commitment is too great. But, if I can, for today, make this one thing happen…tomorrow will be better.

I know why the caged bird sings...

I was born to sing. My earliest childhood memories revolve around fake microphones and little stages...before I was potty-trained, I was singing my own tunes and sharing them with whoever would listen. Was this my destiny? No, I don't think so. It was my gift- my passion.

For the past few years, I have been longing for this part of my life. There was never a time that I could remember when music was not a part of my daily or weekly activity. However, for the past 7 years, music has been put away. When I moved to Florida, I allowed a series of events to stifle my gift. Funny enough, it doesn't even matter what those events were...I was so hurt by these that I quietly tucked my song away.

I am sitting here today remembering some of the most beautiful and passion-filled musical times in my life. Songs were written, songs were sung, songs were shared and were done so with ease, leadership, spirituality, vulnerability, and passion. I can remember the freedom in my voice as if it were only yesterday. Now, as I think honestly, I realize that these days were some of the hardest days of my life. These days were filled with pain and torment. I was going through some of the roughest terrain I had ever navigated and doing it at such a young age. I was stifled- my person, my heart, my dreams- were all dictated by someone else's selfish and mean ways. I was a good woman- I was faithful to the decisions I had made and kept every committment I made. Because of this, I was living in a prison of my own bad judgments.

This morning, as I woke up, craving music and sad that I have missed it for so long, I was reminded of Maya Angelou's "Caged Bird".

A free bird leaps on the back of the wind
and floats downstream till the current ends
and dips his wing in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks down his narrow cage
can seldom see through his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

The free bird thinks of another breeze
and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.

Today, I am no longer a bird caged to fear and torment. I no longer see freedom as a distant dream. I do believe, however, that those same songs that I once believed will inspire me to renew my passion. I do believe that somehow, this time in my life will live on through my songs. I do believe that my gift and its time are not over. I know why the caged bird sings...and that song is filled with passion and desperation. I also know that when that bird finds freedom- the song must be sweeter...

ridamdiculous

I just finished reading some blurbs on a political site. The most recent topic was concerning Obama and his family withdrawing their membership from Trinity church. Clearly, Obama had no choice but to do this. His hands have been tied by every little dig that Hilary or McCain have sent his way. Because he is a black man (well, half black half white- but who's counting?), he has had to fight an uphill battle. Okay- so, let him fight...he's done a damn good job. But back to the subject at hand...

Since when has any one ever given credence to what a church leader says from the pulpit? Out of the thousands of sermons that this man has preached, and dozens of others, the “venom” that he spat is the only thing noted. I am sure that he did not spend Sunday after Sunday encouraging families to stay together and exhorting this body to feed the poor. I am sure, like Jerry Falwell and Rod Parsley (who McCain was forced to denounce), he did not spend years of his life “fighting evil” and working for good. And why, again, does anyone care now? I thought this country worked hard to keep the church and the state as separates.
If we do, suddenly, care so much as to what a preacher says…perhaps we should inspect the gatherings of Mitt Romney’s circle of believers and the dozens of churches that other politicians sit in. What about Huckabee and his years of speaking from the pulpit? Is it a necessity now, for the majority to be of like-minded religious beliefs? Really? If you’ve ever been to church- you know that you will never agree with everything that is spoken. On any given Sunday, you will hear a bit of something that just may not sit right. Give me a break. Anyone who forces politicians to denounce or withdraw membership from a church- has never been to one. This is ridiculous.

History

After a day wrecked by inconveniences and setbacks, I am sitting here- with a glass of wine in hand- feeling sorry for myself. I am bummed about a handful of things- all of which I can do little about. In the middle of it, I have the news on in the background.

"Barack Obama becomes the first African American Presidential Nominee"

"Obama clinches the delegates necessary to take the nominee" and does this because of the new generation of voters...the future.

I have just finished listening to Barack Obama accept the democratic nomination for the presidential race for 2008. I am reminded that there is hope and possibility in this country. I am reminded that there is a generation...or two...that believes that we can change what we know to be true. I am reminded that there is a way to bridge the incredible divides that have held this country hostage to itself and its prejudice. I am reminded that ignorance does not rule and life can be better for our children. I am inspired and reminded. I am motivated and reminded. I am excited, as I am reminded that we are able to live our best life.

Letting Go

I was talking to a dear friend of mine tonight who is going through a divorce. For all intents and purposes, she has moved on. She is waiting for the finalities of the dissolution to take place and then she will be able to finally say it is over. The relationship was not a wonderful one- it was volatile and had severe ups and downs. There was a lack of trust that was felt from the beginning. Although, she can look back and assess the situation for what it is...and although she knows that this man is not good for her...she is sad.

It reminded me of the great process of letting go. Mourning is painful. It is so much easier for us to be angry or cold to these situations that hurt us. When we do this, though, it seems that we hold onto it all so much longer. Letting go requires a release...it requires not holding onto the pain and the burden that we become accustomed to carrying. It requires not only giving up the pain, but the hopes and the dreams that were so passionately invested. Honestly, it must be one of the most difficult things we can do as humans. It is a death within us. It is not easy, but when that release finally comes- there is freedom that comes with it.

I remember when it happened for me after my divorce. I hated that man. I hated him for so long for all that he had done to me. Yet, when I left, I found myself sad. I wasn't sad because I missed him or regretted the move I had made. I wasn't sad because I had hoped to have a future with him. I was sad because I had lost part of my hopes and dreams. I had disappointed my own expectations of what marriage would be for me. I was sad that I had failed at something that I never wanted to fail at. I was sad because I had never imagined that I would be divorced at such a young age. I was sad for me...not for him. And that sadness is hard to let go of. It was the death of something within me. When I found that release, I was able to grow. I was able to heal from all of the hurt that came with the years spent in my marriage. Today, I am stronger and wiser because of it.

When you're in it- it's hard to see. Today, for my girlfriend, I hope that she can mourn a part that she hasn't yet...so that she can move closer to her release. Because when that release comes- so does freedom.

Just Another Sunday

Several years ago, when writing was my closest companion, I penned out my feelings concerning Sunday’s, church, and my lack of going. It was filled with hurt and disdain for everything that went along with my idea of this body of believers. See, I grew up on a church pew. I spent my days playing church and my nights doing church. Sunday’s were not an option- Sunday school, church, youth group, bible study, special services, volunteer work and other activities. It wasn’t odd to me- that was just…Sunday…but all week long.

After my divorce, I left the place I had been worshipping and never heard from the church family. My husband was a pastor here and the idea that his wife would leave him was just too much for people to handle. No one bothered to ask and I, quite frankly, was so tired of the truth in my head- I had no desire to search people out to tell them. I figured that sooner or later, his truth…his life…would show itself to those around him. I didn’t care to bring him down…I knew him too well and was confident that he was his worst enemy.

Needless to say, no one ever cared to reach out to me. After giving my life to the ministry…after sitting outside of the judgmental walls of hypocrisy- even when it wasn’t convenient…after giving to others only because that is what I knew to do…I found that the reciprocation from my “brothers and sisters” was all but nonexistent. I received judgment and cruelty…period. I received back-biting from my friends and lies that circulated faster than the measles spread. I didn’t shed a tear over this rejection. I couldn’t let these people, who claimed to be touched by grace and mercy, affect my well-being or the great relief I felt in being free from this man who was my husband.

I say this to say…6 years ago…I stopped going to church. Not because I believed any less in God or His grace. Not because I believed less in the purpose of the church. But because I did not believe that the church could redeem itself and restore my belief in it. On any given Sunday, I would have told you that you would find safety and solace in this place. I would tell you that it didn’t matter where you had come from, what you believed, what you had done or hadn’t done, or where you planned on going…if you came here- you would find love…you would find renewed strength. I do not believe this anymore.

I went to church on occasion over the years- you know, the typical Easter or Christmas service. I would hear the word and would feel softened by it. But I just couldn’t bring myself to stay. Because of hurt and, as it grew, shame…I could not feel at home in the place that I had spent my entire life.

Now, I am in a new place in my life. I have left behind some pretty big pieces of my life. I have made some changes that were necessary in order for me to move forward. I told myself when I moved here that I would find a church. Or at least, I would look for one. I am still hesitant. I am not sure what I am waiting for. It’s only Monday now. But looking at the coming week…I don’t want just another Sunday. I want my faith restored.

the beginning

I am not dillusional in thinking that my life has not been normal. Terrible? I would never assume that my life has carried even half of the burdens that some of my dear friends have carried. Easy? I wouldn't think of putting such a label on the lessons of life. It began early...lessons that, at the time, I had no idea were even important. I didn't expect that their value would put prices on the stepping stones of mylife.

as real as it gets

A week or so ago, my mother wrote me an email. After years of rocky relations and evident disappoint in me, she asked that I list the things that she has done to hurt me. She said that she wanted to address each one. This request, I believed was sincere, however, that she thought that these could be addressed is nearly as amazing to me as the events themselves.

In an effort to be completely honest and understanding that there was simply nothing to lose, I addressed her request. I just hit the "send" button...with no regrets...with nothing held back. How she receives this raw truth will be definitive.