"someone to love the you you love"

“Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”

I read this quote today- I don't know who said it, but the last line stuck.

blah

i have so much to tell you. i want to give you all of the details of experiencing DC during the inauguration. it just deserves so much more than i am able to give right now. i will take the time to do it right next week.

i feel like i've had too much coffee, not enough sleep, and too high of expectations. i live for hope. but today, in my personal life, i'm wondering if i should take a break. i don't want to be disappointed. i want to be content.

pain

i don't want to write what i feel,
it's not worth the paper i write on.
simply, it doesn't matter.

i don't want to feel the way i feel,
it's not worth the hurt i depend on.
simply, it doesn't matter.

i want this sense to fail me.
what i'll be missing will be less than my gain.
i won't get that lucky,
i live for this pain.

wowzas

I am still an emotional mess. Have been since my last post. I don't know what in the world my problem is. I'm going to bed early and taking this weekend to recoup and celebrate the exciting things going on in DC.

Tonight, I was writing in my journal and came across some things from a while back. I've come so far. I thought I'd share them.

"This is ridiculous. I can't even write what I feel. I can't even look at myself in the mirror. It's all in my head. When the words start to form, I hear all the answers- the promises- the reasons- the "well, what did you think's?". So, I figure I'm better off to keep quiet and to follow my fear as it drags me around by the God damn neck.

Why do I choose to lay in this misery? To torture myself with my own lies? I make my decisions with passion and disregard them immediately. I say I am strong and then I build on my debt- not out of want but out of need- to satisfy, to soothe, to surround myself with distractions...something to remind me of peace.

Where do I go from here? From this exact moment when hurt overwhelms me? My options are these- to sleep, hoping that in the morning, I'll forget my tears; to lash out; to call; to try to make him share my pain; or to lose what I have held onto for this time...this that I've so tightly gripped, always knowing that my choices never change...always fearing the same, so much...that I stay right here.

Please let me sleep. Please clear my mind. Please keep me still. Please let me sleep. Please clear my mind. Please, please keep me still tonight."

whatever this is

I absolutely hate it. It doesn't come very often- no, most of the time, I consider myself fairly healthy. But when it comes, God, I want to escape somewhere, somehow. I can't figure out if it is hormones- I'm not PMS-ing. I'm not sure if it is stress- I've been under extreme stress and I wouldn't qualify anything in my life right now as stressful. I don't know if it's a panic attack- that would mean I am weaker than I care to admit...and panicking over what??

Whatever this is, it makes me uncomfortable. It makes me feel odd in my own skin. It makes tears slip down my face without warning. I lose sleep and I feel like I should be anywhere but where I am right now. So, my escape today, is to blog and just throw out there what I am feeling.

I feel a little bit tired of carrying my burdens alone right now. Now, I know that I don't really carry them alone. I have wonderful friends and family. But, I'm a little bit tired of not being able to reach the top shelf in my closet and not being able to open my damn wallflower from B&B Works. I'm tired of losing sleep at night over bills that I'll write by myself. I'm tired of making all of my own decisions based just on me. Just a little tired. (Again, I'm in this funk and tomorrow all of this could change- I'm sure I'll be back to my independently, confident, single womanhood).

I'm contemplating forgiveness now in my life. After talking to someone I care deeply about, I was reminded of the necessity of forgiveness in our lives. I tend to be forgiving of others. Often, I let things go and wave off the offenses that come my way. But, when I look back at the unfortunate circumstances I have found myself in, I think I forget to forgive myself and fate. I guess it sounds somewhat cocky to say that I need to forgive fate or even God for that matter...but I don't know how else to explain it, really. I'm not one to walk around with a chip on my shoulder, but I am definitely one to walk around with a shell that protects me from any misfortune and really, any love. I think I have lost confidence in goodness. I think I have lost some faith in happiness being in my plan. I am digging deep here- I am not walking around in depression. I am just feeling today and somehow, I think I put my feelings on hold. Distracting myself from my heart. Focusing on work, focusing on others.

I wonder what it is that I want and why I am still looking for it. I wonder if I am even ready for what I want. Things are good in my life...really. When I look back, I have to say that things have never really looked better. But, I'm still missing something. Something that makes me feel whatever this is. Something that puts this lump in my throat on a cold day when I'm walking the dog in the park. Out of the blue, this damn whatever it is, just sneaks up on me and makes me feel like shit. It makes me late for work because I feel like I should be sleeping through the pain. Whatever this is...I want it to go away until next time. I got you...I know you're here. I know I'm not as strong as I try to be...so leave me alone. I have a day to face.

exciting

i've got a ticket to the inauguration...ohhh, i've got a ticket to the inauguration....ohhhohhhohhhhhh, I'VE got a ticket to the inauguration!!!! thanks, j!