My heart is heavy today. It has been for a while and I have been wondering where I would find the release that I need. I have felt the need to write, but I haven't really known where I would begin and whether or not I would be able to make sense of it all. In this moment, I am deciding to simply write. To release the thoughts that are inside my head- with no editing or need for creativity.

I am in a valley. I am in a deep place that I can do nothing about except embrace and walk through it. It is a place that I am familiar with...I have been here before. The struggles are similar and expected but not easier...some valleys are not easier to walk through just because you've walked there before.

Looking at the details of what is happening in my life right now is enough to make some cringe a little...I've been couped up in my house for a week now. Sun poisoning that caused fever blisters to take over my face. Fun. Painful. Incredibly horrible to look at. Being stuck inside my head.

My sister is going through some very real struggles herself and I have decided that I absolutely cannot watch her continue down the path she has started. I will be bringing her back to DC with me in a couple of weeks. A change that I know she CANNOT live without. I am nervous. I want it to be a success- for her to embrace it and to change the path of her life.

My parents are completely unsupportive. Mean, even. It's as if I am not, nor ever have been, their daughter. There is less than a lack of bond between us. Their disappointment in me seems to be more like distaste.

I am daily torn between the attentions of suitors. I am scared to death to even enjoy the company of someone...afraid that I will be rejected and abandoned at any moment.

This is heaviness on my heart...this very thing...that I will continually be rejected and abandoned. I cannot explain the fear that is in my heart concerning this type of hurt. I said that I have been through this valley...this is not a place that is new to me. Not even a little bit. It is a cloud that looms over my head and heart...over the years, the sun has broken through here and there, but it always comes back. I long for the security of protecting love. I deeply hope for something to change this. I want so badly to know what is like to be able to rest and not be afraid. Not be alone.

I am so hurt by the constant rejection of my parents. I cannot begin to even put it into words how it feels to know the deep lack of love. Somehow, I continue to reach out to them. I continue to hope for some acceptance from them. Some acknowledgment. Some grace. Some kindness. It doesn't matter how much I expect their reactions and actions...it doesn't take away the sting that I feel when it happens time and again.

I love. Somehow, I continue to love. I continue to hope. I continue to look for the sun to come through the clouds. I keep looking up. I keep knowing that I will see something different ahead. But today, I cannot look ahead alone. My heart is so heavy. I need to be loved- unconditionally. With no fear that I will be left alone. I am not strong enough today to press forward without a nudge of acceptance and grace. I cannot do it alone today. My heart is so very, very heavy. My faith is so weak. My hope is wavering...and this hope is what keeps me moving forward.

I will keep moving forward. I will. I always do. I ALWAYS DO. But I will do it with a heavy heart. I will do it because it is necessary. But I don't want to do it alone anymore. I don't want to do it because I can. I want to do it because I know I am loved as deeply as I love and that the valleys are so much more bearable when someone is beside me....

the things that matter

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we may become." ~Charles Dubois

This challenge, though not easy, has always been my greatest hope...that regardless of what life brings my way...that I would be able to face it and continually grow or become more than what I was. I really think that this is the only way to make it through the hard times. We cannot control the cards that life deals us, but we can learn to play the game to win. That is the challenge- and we can never shrink from that challenge...when we do- we lose. When we succumb to the hardships and blows that come unannounced, we allow ourselves to fold.

The past week, I found myself, again, dealing with some "unfortunate" situations...some things that hurt me...some things that made me feel powerless. I was talking to my best friend, who has listened to every one of these calls, and I started to say that I just wanted to be happy. I stopped mid-sentence because I realized that I absolutely am happy. I am happy, strong, and so thankful for this place in my life. I have made it through so many bad hands and yet, I am still playing this game...I am learning daily how to face new challenges. I am no longer a victim of circumstances, but when faced with hard times, I am beginning to take them with stride and understand that I will, no doubt, make it through.

easy like sunday morning

i'm doing one of my favorite things...i'm sitting, snuggled on my couch, with the rain pelting down outside of my window, sunday morning news on, cup of coffee sitting on the table, and not a single plan for the day. i love sundays. i really do.