Open the eyes of my heart, Lord...

For just a minute, I need to write about how grateful I am for the grace of God. I remember a time when my heart was so afraid...so hardened...so guarded...so cold. For someone looking from the outside in, depending on the stage of my life, some of these things would seem far-fetched. I have been on the mountain top of my faith, where I did not waver. The storms were fierce, but my faith was strong. I have been at a place where the tender love of my heavenly Father sustained me when the nights were so dark. I have also been in the valley...where my faith seemed as distant as the mountain top. Where my cries seemed to be falling on deaf ears and my only hope was in my own strength to wake up in the morning.

I have laid in my bed...for years...wondering why God had forgotten me. Wondering why He had removed Himself from me and why my enemies prospered while I laid in torment. I have lived on my own doing. I have acted in my own shallow wisdom and the advice from my peers. I have trusted my own strength more than that of my Creator. I have believed that I would only see as much happiness or experience as much joy as I could create.

I have forgotten the promises of God for temporary moments of weakness. I have ignored the promise of joy unspeakable. I have forsaken the call of God and annointing on my life to touch multitudes of people. I have suffocated my gifts until they were all but a distant memory.

But then grace somehow came along and gently gathered me up...as if my ignorance and hopelessness was was not even noticed. My lack of faith and sadness treated as if they were completely understood. Despite my knowledge, I was not treated as my sins deserved. For this, I am eternally grateful.

To sit here now, after many many years, and to believe in full confidence that my hope is truly in Christ Jesus is a place I wondered if I would ever be able to return to. And as I reflect, I realize that my faith is stronger. My position in Christ is undeniable. I am a stronger vessel...a more effective tool in God's hands. His ways are perfect.

I am overwhelmed with gratitude and because of this, I can truly say that I do not fear the future. I am not scared to let go of something in an effort to let God have His way. Today, I am crying out for His wisdom. For His sufficient grace. For the guidance of His Spirit to demonstrate what I have needed for so long. I believe His promises...that God is not a man that He should lie. I believe that my ways are not His and my hands on the steering wheel are not needed. So, today I trust and I willingly plead with Him...that the eyes of my heart would be opened. I want to see Him...and as He is revealed...enjoy every good thing that I know to be mine. Every. Good. Thing.

when you're on the right course...

i've got a lot on my mind tonight. too much to delve into and more than i'm ready to say regardless of time and topic. but i want to say this...when you are on the right course, nothing seems as tragic. nothing is as stressful. nothing causes you fear. nothing makes you doubt your every move and every other person's motive. you just move with grace and confidence...knowing that your steps are ordered by God.

family

so thankful for it. :)

blessings

i've never been one to despise or regret the tricky situations that life brings. i mean, if i had my choice on any given day, i would choose a happy one. but overall, i wouldn't want an easier way out. i'm blessed to have been placed in the times and places that i have. i can see the growth and the purpose behind so many of the hard times and feel honored that God's confidence in me has allowed me to be victorious. and by victorious, i mean...through it all...i am happy and in my right mind (if you question this, let me have my time of glory please and keep your comments to yourself :) ). satisfied or content? no, not yet. but confident that i am on my way? ALL. DAY. LONG. impatient at times? certainly. but discouraged by the journey? nope. i am confident that allllllll things work together for good. i am sure that the work that has been started in me will also be completed. when? i have no idea, but i know it will be right on time. how? boy, i wish i knew, but if i did...i'd probably screw it up somehow by jumping the gun or getting so excited that i'd run too fast.

so here's a little "cheers" this morning to waking up on the RIGHT side of the bed, to opening our eyes with hope that today is going to be exactly what is in the plan, and to the confidence that we have that no matter what comes our way, we already have what we need within us to face it.

raw truth

my creativity is not going to be a strong point this morning...my eloquence might be missing...but from the bottom of my heart, i have to speak. it is easy, sometimes, to feel tired from the journey. to wonder what the meaning of this path is. i am uncomfortable. i am wiggling in my own skin today. i wish i could put in a nutshell the scenes and thoughts that flash through my mind. the memories- the promises- the circumstances- the loves- the losses- the hope- the pain- the joy- the blessings. it is all so much- if i could compartmentalize it all or organize what i feel, i feel like i might be able to make sense of it. like a jigsaw puzzle with too many pieces. i sometimes feel like i should escape just for a moment to make sense of the years. somehow, i think it is possible and i should be able to figure it out.

i sometimes wonder if my faith or hope for the future is making me inactive. i know that there is someplace that i need to be. i don't know where. and clearly, i have no idea how to get there. i want a gps voice to tell me to turn left, go straight for 2 miles and then arrive to my destination. i want a trip cross country to take me 45 minutes. i feel like time is running faster than my progress and what if i don't have enough time.

i long to sink into happiness. i want to look to my left and to my right and see the things that my heart longs for to be settled into place. oh my god, my patience is wavering.

i re-read portions of this blog and am reminded of my longing. it is great. it is strong. it is undeniable. so where will it take me? it must take me somewhere. GOD hear my plea...lead me. i willingly ask for your guidance. whatever wherever however. lead me. my mark on this world has a larger imprint that has not yet been made. my gifts are sitting on my lap...

If your talks are better than ours. If your laughs are harder than ours. If your sex is deeper than ours. If your connection is stronger than ours...then go on. But if when you see her, you feel the pain of wondering where I am. If when she laughs, you see my smile. If when she's gone, you look for the next distraction...weep. For that is love lost.

reminder

it's my not-so friendly, but "i want your best" little reminder that is kicking in this morning with a swift kick in the rear and EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T FEEL IT....GET UP! and i am not referring to the "hit the snooze button 9 times because you are exhausted and the bed is like a cozy cacoon swallowing you up." i'm referring to the "i'm wide awake. haven't slept a wink and want to just hide in this room with the shades down for the rest of the week."

GET UP. the battle doesn't get won by laying in the trenches. it is won by moving forward...one step at a time. with that in mind, i'm going where i don't want to go today. i'm drinking my coffee, putting a smile on my face, and taking on a new challenge. ready or not, here i come.

beauty

it isn't in the length of the stride or the width of the hips. it's not the curve of the back or the fullness of the lips. it's the tone of the voice. the strength of her character. the length of her love and the width of her patience. it's the fullness of her heart and the willingness of her grace. it's the choice that she makes to love you til death do you part.

positioning my vision

The actual definition of vision is to "realize". It is not what we see but what we realize. What we realize will materialize. So, today, I am positioning my vision. I am looking beyond the daily circumstances and holding on to what I "see" beyond this day...my dreams, my hopes, my destiny. That is what I am choosing to see today...peace, joy, love, prosperity, contentment...I know today that what my current circumstances may look like..they are not my future.

wondering...wandering...longing

I wanted to sit down and write something this morning...something that might actually inspire me. I strongly believe that sometimes, we must encourage ourselves. But, I don't really have anything to say...I don't have much that is burning inside to offer me hope...because I just don't know. I don't know anything- I can't see ahead- not even as far as the end of the day. I don't know what to expect. There is nothing sure. I wake up wondering what the day will bring- what the future holds- when my break will come. I spend the day wandering through it- hoping that I will see progress and find some sort of relief as far as my future is concerned...work, love, life. And I long for an open door...for a glimpse of a guarantee. A little peek of me resting and feeling safe...feeling loved.

Instead, I will rely on faith. I will rely on the hope that I have in believing in what I cannot see. In the confidence that I have in God...reminding myself that His timing is perfect and His work complete. Patience. Trust.

patience and trust

i'm feeling sad today. hurt by a couple of circumstances that grabbed me...by surprise? maybe not. but grabbed me nonetheless. i've been going through a struggle- a struggle for peace. a struggle for justice. i know- a struggle that is not new and will undoubtedly continue til eternity.

in all my strength- in all my determination to overcome- i am still saddened by the words of others. i am still effected by the ignorance and the hate that often comes from those who are simply hurting themselves.

and yet, i am reminded of what i have been aiming to focus on for the past few weeks. two virtues that are insanely difficult, but unbelievably necessary and effective to succeed/to thrive. patience. and trust.

oh God, i call out from the deepest parts of my being and petition you for an extra dose. i am in need of your Divine presence- your confidence in my existence- and your ability to rise above the these earthly circumstances. i plead for your grace- your generosity in my life. and in this cry- i will turn around and believe that my cries have been heard, observed, and received with the love and grace that only you can give.

grant me tonight...patience and trust.

MLK

I re-read my last post this morning and was reminded of the heart felt cry that must have been Dr. Martin Luther King's. "How long must I wait?" Wow.

Dr. King had a dream that he would not see fulfilled in his lifetime; however, he fought with fervency as if it would come today. Still, in our day, we wait to see his dream realized. We wait. We cry. We fight. We press on so that someday our children will see that dream as a reality.

As a white woman, I will never know the struggle that men and women of color fight as part of their normal day. I will never fully understand what it is like to accept this. However, I recognize that this is truth. I know that to utter that there is no longer a struggle because we drink from the same fountain and go to the same schools is a disgusting lie. I understand that every day, a man is judged falsely based on the color of his skin. I recognize this and know that it is true. I understand that we have made progress- as we should. I understand that we are moving forward, but to even for a second insinuate that this world we live in is post-racial- is a lie even the devil would blush to say.

Because I recognize this and because I believe the struggle to not only be one for those of color to fight, I will continue to live in this way...knowing that even the slightest of injustices cannot be tolerated...as Dr. King said, "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." I will continue to pledge to the future of my children in a way that fights darkness with light and hatred with love....believing that as we continue to move forward...our children will recognize the dream of a man that lead with moral conviction...with belief in the possibilities of human kind...with faith that love would prevail.

"I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. That is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant." ~ Dr. Martin Luther King

Happy Birthday, Dr. King. We honor your spirit and we strive to see your conviction complete.

How long will I wait?
How long will I cry?
How long will I say "I can do this"
While I still wonder if I'm wrong?

How far will this take me?
How far can I go?
How far is this winding
On this long and tired road?

How much will it cost me?
How much will I pay?
How much is too much?
Can anyone say?

It's never too long when you finish.
It's never too far to arrive.
It's never too much when you see and your vision is finally clear.

So, hold on.
Wait.
Cry.
Walk.
Run.
Stand.
Pay.
Then wait.
Laugh.
Hope.
Pray.
Love.

It might not be easy,
but nothing that's good ever is.
It doesn't matter how long,
How far,
How much.
When you win,
You win.
The race is done.


"For we know in part and we prophecy in part,
but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.

When I was a child, I spoke like a child,
I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.
When I became a woman, I put away childish things.

For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror.
Then we shall see face to face.

And now these three remain-
Faith, Hope, Love.
The greatest of these is love."

When you've done all to stand. STAND.