Thanks, Kimberley, for a great Thanksgiving Day. It was refreshing to be with family, noise, laughter, good food and a killer fire. I'm so thankful for our friendship!

disconcerted

i realized this week that i am doing something that i've done before. i am repeating history in my own life and it is something that i cannot do again. as strong and independent as i am, i seem to lose my wits when it comes to love. i suppose this is part of love, but i keep making the wrong decisions and finding myself shaking my head at my misery.

i grumbled about it to my friend and said i was exhausted from it. in utter frustration, not with me, but with men i think, she yelled..."YOU ARE NOT EXHAUSTED!!!! You are not exhausted because you have done nothing to be exhausted from! Play the game and THEN say you are exhausted." she continued and i sat there and in all my strong-womanness, tears sneaked down my cheeks. she was right. she was so right. because i wanted something so badly, i was doing what he wanted so that i could have what i wanted. it is not what is best for me...

i have to deny myself what i want in order to get what i want. self-discipline. self-control. both things that i am not good at. my heart is involved. i have fallen in love and i HAVE to walk away. i have to be healthy. i have to set boundaries and play the game to win...not to play.

ugh. i hate these days. i got teary eyed at work cuz i was so mad. that made me madder.

good times

now.

i've been feeling a little down the past week. a number of events have caused me to get stuck a bit on the past and be anxious about the future. not my typical pattern of worry and worry, really isn't one of my typical patterns. whatever. i needed a sit down with one of my girls and while i was trying to reason with myself and talk myself back into reality...she said, "you've got to live in the now." i shut up and just let it sink in. i know this, but somehow, it TOTALLY slipped my mind. i got so wrapped up in expectations and emotions that i just plain old forgot to be concerned with right NOW. and to be so completely honest, right now is great. i have come so far, pulled through so much, and i am really happy right now. i have wonderful friends, a great job, i love where i live. i am healthy, financially stable, and in love with life. i am driven and inspired everyday to be better. i am witnessing an incredible time in history. now is good. now is all i have. the past is gone. tomorrow isn't here and i can't make it happen. now is exactly what i need. and that makes me happy. thanks kimberley.