disconcerted

i realized this week that i am doing something that i've done before. i am repeating history in my own life and it is something that i cannot do again. as strong and independent as i am, i seem to lose my wits when it comes to love. i suppose this is part of love, but i keep making the wrong decisions and finding myself shaking my head at my misery.

i grumbled about it to my friend and said i was exhausted from it. in utter frustration, not with me, but with men i think, she yelled..."YOU ARE NOT EXHAUSTED!!!! You are not exhausted because you have done nothing to be exhausted from! Play the game and THEN say you are exhausted." she continued and i sat there and in all my strong-womanness, tears sneaked down my cheeks. she was right. she was so right. because i wanted something so badly, i was doing what he wanted so that i could have what i wanted. it is not what is best for me...

i have to deny myself what i want in order to get what i want. self-discipline. self-control. both things that i am not good at. my heart is involved. i have fallen in love and i HAVE to walk away. i have to be healthy. i have to set boundaries and play the game to win...not to play.