I started talking to someone two weeks ago. We have met twice and will continue to meet on a weekly basis until I feel like I have gotten these things off my chest. Yesterday, we were digging through some of my childhood and then wading through details of my marriage. I guess, we were trying to figure out why I married him. I've asked myself that question, beat myself up over that question, for years. I have seen it as my greatest weakness...my inability to do what I knew was right, because of fear. I always thought I was so much stronger. It is disappointing.
After defining him as a sociopath and understanding that I was truly a child at the time (18 years old), he thought for a couple of minutes. When he broke the silence, he said, "What you needed was someone to save you. That's the only thing that could have changed your situation."
I hate to need. I hate to admit that I cannot do something. Perhaps that is why I have been so hard on myself for all of these years. When I heard him say that, I could only breathe a sigh of relief. It was the raw truth. And I accept it. I felt stuck because I was. I was trapped by his overwhelming manipulation and control. I wish I was stronger- but experience makes us stronger...and I was a child. I needed someone to save me and looking back now...I'm okay with that.
1 comment:
I am happy for you. It is a hard thing, to decide you need someone else to help you figure things out. It is even harder to act on that. You are so strong and beautiful and since I was a little girl I looked up to you. I still do.
Strength has always been something that I have seen in you, it shines. It shows in your writing, it shows in the way you speak, in how you carry and present yourself.
Sometimes others make us lapse, but lapses don't take away that passion we were born with.
Keep on keepin' on. I want to visit very soon.
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