raw truth

my creativity is not going to be a strong point this morning...my eloquence might be missing...but from the bottom of my heart, i have to speak. it is easy, sometimes, to feel tired from the journey. to wonder what the meaning of this path is. i am uncomfortable. i am wiggling in my own skin today. i wish i could put in a nutshell the scenes and thoughts that flash through my mind. the memories- the promises- the circumstances- the loves- the losses- the hope- the pain- the joy- the blessings. it is all so much- if i could compartmentalize it all or organize what i feel, i feel like i might be able to make sense of it. like a jigsaw puzzle with too many pieces. i sometimes feel like i should escape just for a moment to make sense of the years. somehow, i think it is possible and i should be able to figure it out.

i sometimes wonder if my faith or hope for the future is making me inactive. i know that there is someplace that i need to be. i don't know where. and clearly, i have no idea how to get there. i want a gps voice to tell me to turn left, go straight for 2 miles and then arrive to my destination. i want a trip cross country to take me 45 minutes. i feel like time is running faster than my progress and what if i don't have enough time.

i long to sink into happiness. i want to look to my left and to my right and see the things that my heart longs for to be settled into place. oh my god, my patience is wavering.

i re-read portions of this blog and am reminded of my longing. it is great. it is strong. it is undeniable. so where will it take me? it must take me somewhere. GOD hear my plea...lead me. i willingly ask for your guidance. whatever wherever however. lead me. my mark on this world has a larger imprint that has not yet been made. my gifts are sitting on my lap...