I am still an emotional mess. Have been since my last post. I don't know what in the world my problem is. I'm going to bed early and taking this weekend to recoup and celebrate the exciting things going on in DC.
Tonight, I was writing in my journal and came across some things from a while back. I've come so far. I thought I'd share them.
"This is ridiculous. I can't even write what I feel. I can't even look at myself in the mirror. It's all in my head. When the words start to form, I hear all the answers- the promises- the reasons- the "well, what did you think's?". So, I figure I'm better off to keep quiet and to follow my fear as it drags me around by the God damn neck.
Why do I choose to lay in this misery? To torture myself with my own lies? I make my decisions with passion and disregard them immediately. I say I am strong and then I build on my debt- not out of want but out of need- to satisfy, to soothe, to surround myself with distractions...something to remind me of peace.
Where do I go from here? From this exact moment when hurt overwhelms me? My options are these- to sleep, hoping that in the morning, I'll forget my tears; to lash out; to call; to try to make him share my pain; or to lose what I have held onto for this time...this that I've so tightly gripped, always knowing that my choices never change...always fearing the same, so much...that I stay right here.
Please let me sleep. Please clear my mind. Please keep me still. Please let me sleep. Please clear my mind. Please, please keep me still tonight."
2 comments:
Hi...just catching up on your posts, since I haven't been around for a while. Just read the last two and thought how I relate to the way you've been feeling, for I too have the same moments of "void" in my life. Days and longer sometimes where I "feel odd in my own skin." But, for me, these episodes are a means to keeping me grounded...a checks and balances in my life to show that LIFE is bigger than just me, my thoughts, my job, my friends, this city I call home. There is MORE out there that I am not in tune with...a bigger world and beyond that slip by unnoticed for days, weeks, months. These lapses make me appreciate what I have and empower me to look beyond. It's just nice to know I'm not the only one...so thank you for sharing.
As for your ticket to the inauguration...WOW!!! I'm not so fortunate, but I am going to see him speak in my city (Baltimore) today at 4:00PM on his road to the White House. Then on Sunday, I'm going to see Hugh Taft-Morales at the Baltimore Ethical Society at 10:30AM. He's giving a presentation on Anti-Racist Activism in Ethical Culture...check out this site for more. http://www.baltimoreethicalsociety.org/
Well...it's good to be back and to "hear" you again...your thoughts and words are important, so keep writing!
Glen (Greg), it is nice to have you back. I hope that your hiatus was what you needed it to be. We are all in for a big weekend, so I will look forward to the sharing. Take care of yourself and again, good to have you back!
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