I absolutely hate it. It doesn't come very often- no, most of the time, I consider myself fairly healthy. But when it comes, God, I want to escape somewhere, somehow. I can't figure out if it is hormones- I'm not PMS-ing. I'm not sure if it is stress- I've been under extreme stress and I wouldn't qualify anything in my life right now as stressful. I don't know if it's a panic attack- that would mean I am weaker than I care to admit...and panicking over what??
Whatever this is, it makes me uncomfortable. It makes me feel odd in my own skin. It makes tears slip down my face without warning. I lose sleep and I feel like I should be anywhere but where I am right now. So, my escape today, is to blog and just throw out there what I am feeling.
I feel a little bit tired of carrying my burdens alone right now. Now, I know that I don't really carry them alone. I have wonderful friends and family. But, I'm a little bit tired of not being able to reach the top shelf in my closet and not being able to open my damn wallflower from B&B Works. I'm tired of losing sleep at night over bills that I'll write by myself. I'm tired of making all of my own decisions based just on me. Just a little tired. (Again, I'm in this funk and tomorrow all of this could change- I'm sure I'll be back to my independently, confident, single womanhood).
I'm contemplating forgiveness now in my life. After talking to someone I care deeply about, I was reminded of the necessity of forgiveness in our lives. I tend to be forgiving of others. Often, I let things go and wave off the offenses that come my way. But, when I look back at the unfortunate circumstances I have found myself in, I think I forget to forgive myself and fate. I guess it sounds somewhat cocky to say that I need to forgive fate or even God for that matter...but I don't know how else to explain it, really. I'm not one to walk around with a chip on my shoulder, but I am definitely one to walk around with a shell that protects me from any misfortune and really, any love. I think I have lost confidence in goodness. I think I have lost some faith in happiness being in my plan. I am digging deep here- I am not walking around in depression. I am just feeling today and somehow, I think I put my feelings on hold. Distracting myself from my heart. Focusing on work, focusing on others.
I wonder what it is that I want and why I am still looking for it. I wonder if I am even ready for what I want. Things are good in my life...really. When I look back, I have to say that things have never really looked better. But, I'm still missing something. Something that makes me feel whatever this is. Something that puts this lump in my throat on a cold day when I'm walking the dog in the park. Out of the blue, this damn whatever it is, just sneaks up on me and makes me feel like shit. It makes me late for work because I feel like I should be sleeping through the pain. Whatever this is...I want it to go away until next time. I got you...I know you're here. I know I'm not as strong as I try to be...so leave me alone. I have a day to face.
2 comments:
Reading this was so relevant that it is almost eery.
Maybe having a "plan" is where we all go wrong. If you have no plan, nothing will ever be a let down. Expect nothing and be disappointed by nothing.
I hear what you are saying and I believe it. However, I haven't yet learned how to stop "hoping" or "planning" for something better. It's in my blood. It's what wakes me up in the morning and lets me believe that life can be better...that we can all go farther and do so much more to make this world a different place. Naiive, maybe, but it's something I've never been able to shake.
One of my blogger friends commented that this overwhelming feeling to him is usually a reminder that this world is just so much bigger than him. I could say a bazillion things about this...about how that could make us feel so much more insignificant- like there is no hope. Or it can remind us that life is greater than the now. I believe the latter. I think that when we believe that life is so much greater, we understand that our struggle today will be gone tomorrow. It will. I believe it will. I hope it will. I plan that it will. I know this because it has always proven true. I said this in an earlier post..."i know, this sounds naiive...extremely hopeful...but i do hope. i continue to hope...even when this ride takes me where i don't expect to go. hope motivates me and to be honest...i haven't yet been disappointed in believing."
As far as the plan specifically...I agree with you. We cannot determine our path by sitting down and specifying a roadmap...boy, don't I know that. We'll be disappointed everytime. I think that's what happened with my marriage. I was disappointed because the plan for marriage is not divorce. Blah, blah, blah. I'll spare you for now, cuz I'm writing a book. I love you!
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