day 21

"which of the Lord's marvels can you deny?"


"His love endures forever..."

(sidenote before i even get started...i have been jotting down lines or passages that speak to me during my readings. that way, should i get distracted throughout the day or not feel like writing, i am still reminded of the words that jumped out at me for one reason or another. today- these two lines were repeated over a dozen times each....think there's a message? :) WHICH OF THE LORD'S MARVELS CAN YOU DENY? HIS LOVE...ENDURES FOREVER. shaking my head...and writing these words on my heart so that i will remember them all day.)

I was in the bathroom this morning...before you panic on this being tmi...hear me out...and I thought about where I was going to pray this morning. Strange, I suppose, but for some reason, this is what I was thinking. The random thought then crossed my mind of praying in the bathroom...this was not a consideration for me this morning, really...but keep following my thought process. I'm painting a picture (I'm standing in front of my sink at this time). In that moment, I was reminded of the hours that I spent on the bathroom floor, with puddles of tears around me, crying out to God in prayer...pleading with Him to hear my cries and save my marriage.

I remember as clear as day, the first night in our new apartment. We had just returned from a honeymoon in Bermuda (this is a story in itself) and had barely unpacked the suitcases. For some reason- could've been anything- it was getting cloudy or I had put the glasses on the right side of the sink instead of the left side- who knows- Andrew became furious. He went on a rampage through the apartment- throwing my clothes out of the freshly organized drawers, tossing my suitcases, slamming doors, and yelling that he didn't want me...I should just follow my family, who had moved the day after my wedding, to California. That night was the first of many, that I spent laying on the bathroom floor. The nights that proceeded lasted for years- nights of complete desperation. Nights of wondering how I could possibly have made the decision to marry such an awful person. Nights of calling out to God to somehow do something...change him...change me...anything...teach me how to bear the burden and not be weak...crying to Him to keep my head above water because I was sinking deeper daily.

5 years later, maybe a week after I exercised the courage to leave him, I was sitting at one of the pastor's homes in Florida. His wife sat across from me with utter disgust on her face and belittled me, scorned me, and scolded me as to how I should be ashamed and should just pray for my husband. I sat there with a cup of tea in my hand.

I could see the lake through the windows behind her.

I wanted to throw my cup of tea in her face.

I wanted to get up and punch her square in the head...

I wanted to scream.

I wanted to do anything other than what I was doing at that moment as she continued to ramble off judgment. When she felt she said enough, I looked at her and said, "You will never know the hours, the days...and the nights, that I have spent calling out to God. I have prayed for my husband. I have prayed for me. I have prayed that anything and everything would save me from this day. My prayers were not answered." I kindly thanked her for the tea and left.

For years, I wondered why my prayers were not answered. I struggled with how someone who read God's Words, was daily immersed in His presence, someone who had a career in teaching others about God, could not be swayed toward mercy and love. I wondered why God chose not to save my marriage- He could have. He could have caused Andrew's heart to soften. He could have changed my circumstances in just a brief moment. He could have saved me from the hurt and scorn that I received from so many. But He did not. He did not answer my prayer.

Today, I have to believe that He knows the bigger picture. His purpose for my life is so much greater. He is omniscient and His ways are so much greater than mine. Which of the Lord's marvels can I deny?

I may never again pray on the bathroom floor...but I will continue to pray. I will continue to believe that my prayers do not fall on deaf ears. And I will continue to believe that my prayers will be answered according to His will for ME~ His Love Endures Forever...