day 5

"when i said my foot is slipping, oh Lord, your love supported me.

when anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul."

"do not argue God with me, when He is the one who has guided me."

"Allah, on this day, place me among those who seek forgiveness. Place me among your righteous and obedient servants, and place me among your close friends, by your kindness, oh Merciful One."

This is how my day began. With words of encouragement, confidence, and a sincere request. I jotted the notes above after my reading early this morning. Every morning, I have been making my way through the Quran and then reading portions from the Bible. I really can't tell you what a blessing this time is. This morning, I didn't have a lot to write, so I figured I would save what spoke to me and then come back to it.

As good and strong and confident and hopeful as I have felt in the last couple of days, it was a surprise to me today that when I woke up for the second time- I felt terribly alone. Sad. Heavy. Burdened. I felt like I was on the verge of tears and my mind was racing with invalid thoughts that did not belong in my home, let alone my heart. I missed a call from a friend and when I called her back- she said that she was thinking about me so much this morning and that there was part of a book that she was reading she just had to share with me. Without her going any further, I was already in tears. I wasn't alone. In my own, small apartment where nobody knew the burden I was carrying this morning, God had heard my cry.

I read the part of the book that she wanted me to read and wondered how the writer had known my thoughts when she sat to write her bestseller. She talked about faith. She talked about devotion. She talked about how faith is running head first into the dark- "pre-accepting the terms of the universe and embracing in advance what I am presently incapable of understanding." She insisted on not wanting something other than faith- an "insurance policy" of sorts- but simply wanting God. "I just want God. I want God inside me. I want God to play in my bloodstream the way sunlight amuses itself on water." She talked about deliberate prayers and taking control of those things that we can choose, specifically our thoughts...

Listen to what she said-

"So I've started being vigilant about watching my thoughts all day, and monitoring them. I repeat this vow about 700 times a day: 'I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore.' The first time I heard myself say this, my inner ear perked up at the word 'harbor', which is a noun as well as a verb. A harbor, of course, is a place of refuge, a port of entry. I pictured the harbor of my mind- a little beat-up, perhaps, a little storm-worn, but well situated and with a nice depth. The harbor of my mind is an open bay, the only access to the island of my Self (which is a young and volcanic island, yes, but fertile and promising). This island has been through some wars, it is true, but it is now committed to peace, under the new leader (me) who has instituted new policies to protect the place. And now- let the word go out across the seven seas- there are much, much stricter laws on the books about who may enter this harbor.

You may not come here anymore with your hard and abusive thoughts, with your plague ships of thoughts, with your slave ships of thoughts, with your warships of thoughts- all these will be turned away. Likewise, any pamphleteers, mutineers and violent assassins, desperate prostitues, pimps and seditious stowaways- you may not come here anymore either. Cannibalistic thoughts, for obvious reasons, will no longer be received. Even missionaries will be screened carefully, for sincerity. This is a peaceful harbor, the entryway to a fine and proud island that is only now beginning to cultivate tranquility. If you can abide by these new laws, my dear thougths, then you are welcome in my mind- otherwise, I shall turn you all back toward the see from whence you came."

:) I have read a dozen times this week, so far, "Do not harbor doubt". Doubt, simply being the source or the seed of all of the other unhealthy thoughts that I have been fighting. I have read again and accept the gentle reminder that it is necessary to control my thoughts. I was so encouraged. I was so incredibly supported by the love of God early in my day. I prayed a prayer asking God to place me among the righteous, among the obedient, among His close friends...and He answered my prayer almost immediately with the voice of an obedient friend. "When my foot was slipping, He supported me with His love."

His word was on time today. It always is...I'm just not usually paying attention to the clock. "Do not argue God with me, when He is the One who guides me...."

So, I'm closing down Day 5- encouraged. Belly full of Lamb Stew. Green tea in hand. Good music playing and...an answered prayer.