........sigh......i have nothing to say. i'm drained of all of the positivity and hope i can muster for the week, i suppose. i'm not understanding things. i'm have no control and what is my instinct to do- is not working. i keep giving- putting myself out there- even when i'm terribly afraid- even when it is against everything i've done for the past several years, but because it feels like what i should do. but it hurts. i want to run in the opposite direction- i want to call someone somewhere for a distraction. i want to put up every defense. maybe i should. maybe i shouldn't. i don't understand. i have not a single answer for this. and it takes every bit of my self-control to sit here. to be quiet. because i care.
i would like for my faith...my trust in God...the "not my will but thy will" to kick in and relieve some of the anxiety- some of the sadness. why do humans hurt humans for no reason? or for reasons we refuse to explain? how do we forget somehow how we would want to be treated? with honesty and respect? with something rather than nothing?
i want a glass of wine. i want to cry. i cannot do either.
goodnight.
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