GOD

Yesterday, this thought came to me...so big in my mind, but nearly impossible for me to express in words..."Who is God outside of religion?" I have an incredible belief in God- a respect and fear of His presence. A desire to be like Him and see His attributes demonstrated through me. I have always believed...for as long as I can remember, there was never a time that I doubted His existence.

I grew up in a very religious home. Religious rules. Religious practices. Religious activities. Religious songs. Religious books. Religious schools. Religious College. Religious degree. Religious. Period. Undeniably, I formed my specific ideas about God around this religion. Although, I was never one to believe God to be in a box of rules and man-made interpretations...it is impossible to think that I could have formed my ideas any other way, really. It was how I grew up. It was engrained in me.

When I left the church, 8 years ago, I was leaving pain. I was leaving backbiting, hypocrisy, closed-mindedness, judgment...and a slew of other things that disgusted me. Hurt me, really. I couldn't understand how such a gracious, loving Father could be indicated by such destruction. When I left the church...somehow, my understanding was that in doing that...I had to "kindof" leave God. Because if I continued to be close to Him, I would have to remain in what I did not want...church, religion, fake talk. So, I kept God at a distance. My heart did not grow cold...my belief did not waiver, but I put growing on hold. It seemed necessary in order to protect myself from the things that had beat me up year after year.

I would never, ever, ever tell you that God was confined to a religion. I believe God to be so much greater- so much bigger. But I think that that is exactly what my small mind has done. My fear of a "religion" or a "church" or a "practice" somehow got all jumbled up in my mind- as a fear of God.

So, I wonder...and I will strive to learn, especially this month...who is God? Who is He- outside of these things that have influenced my thinking? How can I embrace Him? How can I grow in His grace and guidance? How can I know Him outside of a specific church with its own interpretations? Who is God outside of religion? Who is God outside of the boundaries that cause one to look at another and consider he or she lost? Who is God outside of the radical thinkings that cause wars? Who is God without the boxes that make Him only approve of certain practices and not of others? Who does the individual in a far away land, with no knowledge of organized religion, believe God to be? Without the boundaries of a church or a set of rules, without the influence of someone else's belief, who does man, at his core, believe God to be? I refuse to believe that we cannot believe without religion. I refuse to believe that we cannot reach God without a vehicle that has a specific description. That would simply go against everything that I believe about God. That would make God far too small.

If I can solidify my belief...if I can increase my faith...if I can find healing from the wounds of religion and hold tight to my belief and love for God...then maybe, I can renegotiate, reconsider my relationship with religion....maybe. Just maybe.