feeling

i've said it before...and here i am again...hating this sense...this "feeling". i wish i could make it disappear- control myself enough to determine when i want to and when i don't want to feel. to flip the switch that turns off the hurt and makes the questions disappear. i am weak today. again. i want to believe this weakness is a strength...somehow...someday...to believe that my heart- my sense of feel- will not only strengthen others, but strengthen me. but i can't feel that...i can't find that part of the feeling. i can only feel the emptiness that makes me want to hide. the part that screams for peace of mind. where is my healing? my support? my wake up in the morning and know that someone has my back more than i do? i want that feeling. if i have to feel, then i want to know the feeling of comfort and hope. i want to know peace today. i want to know surety, security, and faith. if i have to feel...i want to feel that my pain is valid. that it is recognized and that someone believes in me more than i do. just for today. i want to feel this or feel nothing at all.